


The Whispers of Shadows

by Kailiam42



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon, Character Study, Drama, F/M, M/M, No abuse, Romance, manga-verse, no dubcon, no non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-04-19 21:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4761074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kailiam42/pseuds/Kailiam42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humanity's strongest warrior.  A hero to many, a monster to some.  Seemingly invincible, unflinching and undeterred.  But this legendary soldier as a weakness he cannot escape, and is haunted by the inevitable agony that comes with it.  A ray of light pierces the darkness, only to be snuffed out.  The heart is the enemy.  The beauty is the beast.  Is it ever worth it?</p>
<p><b>In this chapter:</b> The crackling of a fire.  A warm bath.  Cigarettes.  Small comforts that do little to erase the horrors ones own mind can conjure during the dark loneliness of night.  It's an uneasiness that creeps up on you in the silence when no one else is around.  The feeling that makes you want to turn your head as you'd swear someone was watching.  Only one thing breaks it's unshakable coil.  A familiar face.  A smile in the dark.  Undeserved words of kindness.  How... can you look at me with eyes like that...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Death Is But A Heartbeat Away

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I've started writing fanfiction again. *cough*  
>   
> So, yeah, Attack on Titan has had my attention by the balls for the past several weeks, so I suppose this is the natural evolution for me. Yep, I'm totally obsessed. And I really like Levi and Armin.  
>   
> Sadly though, there's not a lot of Levi x Armin fanworks out there, and a lot of the stuff that is out there is kind of... weird... so I decided to go ahead and make my own. I get it though, it's a challenge to make a pairing work when the two have close to zero interaction in the actual story. So that's kind of where the idea for this came from. I wanted to explore how a relationship might work in relation to the story itself, behind the scenes – without being super creepy (or overly fluffy for that matter). And after finishing the manga (up to the current issue - 72) and giving it some thought, I think I've got a pretty good idea of how it could go. Anyway, I've got my own vision of how Levi x Armin could work, and personally think they have the potential to be something really beautiful. I wanna try to make it as believable as possible, so there's going to be a lot of build-up.  
>   
> A couple other quick notes. This story takes place mainly in the manga-verse, mostly later in the story, though I will be taking some things from the anime as well. But if you haven't read the manga yet, I highly recommend that you do before reading this story, as their could be **SPOILERS**. I'm going to try to refrain from mentioning any major plot points, but still wanted to give a warning just in case. That being said, the story is going to jump around the timeline a lot, but if you've read the manga you should (for the most part) be able to pick up when and where these scenes take place.
> 
> **Update 12/22/2015:** I can't believe I actually found the time to finish this before Christmas. Yay! Ok, so yes, as stated in the description, this story has just been revised. If you follow my Tumblr, you might know I got a bit stuck and was struggling a bit to figure out how I wanna tell this story, and I felt like it needed to be a bit more consistent and flowing because I was kind of all over the place with it. And well! Thankfully, I've got that all figured out! (for the most part) But anyway, we're back on track, and that's what counts!
> 
> So yeah, I've made some changed here and there to the existing chapters, but didn't end up changing them all that much. Aside from a few tweaks here and there to little things like grammar and sentence structure anomalies (yes, anomalies, because I like that word) that I missed the first time, I pretty much kept it the same. So if you've already read the first four chapters, there's no need to go back and re-read them. However, there is a new scene at the beginning of Chapter 1: Ghosts in the Wind (not the prologue, but the first chapter. I know, it's a little confusing because I just HAD to put in a prologue and there's no prologue option but ehhhhh...) So you might wanna go back and read that. I also moved one of the scenes with Levi and Erwin, and took out the scene with Levi and Armin under the tree, cause it... really didn't have anything to do with anything aside from being cute, lol. Sorry if you liked that little bit, but don't worry, I'll be reposting it as a one shot on Tumblr just by itself because why not. You also may have noticed that I've changed the title of the story and the chapter titles as well, because... I thought of them and liked them better. xD And also added song lyrics to the ends of the chapters because I like to be dramatic and shit.
> 
> Anyway! I hope you enjoy the changes and they are for the better! Please feel free to tell me what you think either way. Feedback and constructive criticism are always appreciated! Also, new chapter! Yay!
> 
> Once again, I apologize for putting you through the long wait, but hopefully it will be worth it! And thanks again SO much for your patience and for coming back and reading this insanity of a fic I have decided to write. xD And if you're new here, sit back, grab some titan-shaped cookies and enjoy! You are all awesome and I hope you have a fabulous holiday season!
> 
>   
> Now, onto the story!  
>   
>  _ **This story takes place in canon manga-verse, beginning after chapter 51. Multi-ship, but mostly centers around Levi and Armin and how their relationship develops behind the scenes of the main story line. (Flashback scenes contain some Levi x Petra and future flashbacks may also have some Levi x Erwin and Levi x Farlan. Will add tags as chapters are added.)**_
> 
>  
> 
> **WARNINGS FOR  
> **  
>  **Violence, angst, psychological fuckery, and general gayness.**
> 
>  
> 
> **AND SPOILERS!**
> 
> That's all for now. I hope you enjoy the story!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of_**

****

# **S H A D O W S**

 

 

****

### **Prologue**

### Death Is But A Heartbeat Away

 

 

Blood was everywhere. Over every surface - every piece of clothing, every strand of grass, every inch of exposed skin. The bodies lie strewn over the fields - dismembered and mutilated – pieces of unrecognizable flesh littered among them in a deep crimson massacre. You couldn't tell who's arms or heads belonged to who anymore. They were no one now. Just strips of unclaimed meat. The human being that once walked and spoke and dreamed were nothing but flesh now. Dead flesh that had been stomped into the earth. There was nothing left. Nothing left of the people they once were. Just the horror. The pain that they endured in the last moments of their lives were carved into their frozen, lifeless faces.

And there, standing midst the carnage, saturated in the red paint of their death, he was alone. Hot tears spilled down his face, and he felt a massive hand crush his body. The monsters giant, glowing red eyes stared him down, empty all for the lust of its meaningless hunger. It's toothy grin poised with the desire to crush his skull between their massive teeth. It opened its enormous mouth. He could feel the beasts hot, stinking breath. It's massive jaws closed around him. And then...

 

He opened his eyes. 

The noise in his head suddenly stopped and it was like he was transported somewhere else.

He exhaled, feeling as though he might have been holding his breath in his sleep.

It was quiet now. The darkness was illuminated only by the dim glow of the moon that filtered in through the window. The sweet smell of a damp spring night filled the air as it drifted inside, gently fluttering the man's dark hair. And with its blessed luminescence, it shined on a familiar face that lay before him. Sleeping soundly... and alive. 

His companions soft features were partially obscured by the messy blonde locks that fell in front of his face. With his lips, parted slightly, he could feel the warmth as he took slow, light breaths. He looked so peaceful. The soldier hoped his companions dreams were more pleasant than his own.

Still in a daze, Levi couldn't believe that he, somehow, of all people, had the privilege to wake up to something so comforting. That something this beautiful could exist in this crazy world of horrors. It was the only thing that could let him forget his nightmares.

The Captain reached up a hand to brush the blonde hair out of this perfect face before him, almost as if to see if this person was really there. The sleeping young man stirred a bit with the touch, sighing and curling up closer to the person he was sharing this bed with. One hand was curled under his cheek, while the other rested just in front of him in the space between the two.

The half-asleep man with the jet black hair moved his own hand and placed it over his companions.

_Armin..._ He thought. _How... did we get here...?_ Levi asked himself, staring at him sleepily through the darkness. 

_Oh, right... It was something you said..._

_...What was it again? I can't quite remember now..._

He closed his eyes and leaned closer to his partner, just enough to touch his lips to his soft hair and take in his sweet scent.

  
_I'm..._

 

_...going to miss this..._

 

* * * * * *

The pummeling sound could be heard echoing through the empty hallways. The stars were shining bright, but nobody cared to look up at them for there was not a single head in the Scouting Legion that didn't hang low tonight. The barracks was quiet. Painfully quiet. So many lives lost. So many souls missing. So many were now just gone.

The noise continued. Erwin could hear it getting louder as he headed down the stairwell towards one of the training rooms. With a cloak around him, he carried a candle in his hand to light his path, as most of the torches were not lit tonight. The glow of the few that were spilled through the training room door where the sounds were coming from. The tall blonde man turned the corner and stood in the doorway.

His fists were raw by now. Surely to be bruised the next day, but he didn't care. He kept hitting. The heavy bag full of hay was beginning to tear, hanging from the ceiling in a mangled state. 

He couldn't lose control on the battlefield. That was one of the first things that were drilled into his head.

_But here,_ he thought, _I can lose control all I want._

He slammed his fists into the bag again, indenting its course exterior with each one. Again and again, the punches came faster. He gave the lifeless object a swift uppercut, then a roundabout kick, before stopping and finally letting himself catch his breath. 

“You're up late.” He heard a familiar voice and turned to see Erwin standing behind him with a lit candle in his hand. The dark-haired man with the narrow steel-blue eyes said nothing at first, just swiftly turned away, as if annoyed by the others very presence.

“Couldn't sleep.” He said flatly, breathing heavily from the exertion. 

“Hmm...” Erwin invited himself in and sat on the bench nearby. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about.” Levi replied, and started hitting the bag again. Despite the fact that he seemed like he was already exhausted, he kept punching. 

Erwin just sat in silence for several moments, watching his comrade take out his frustrations.

“Are you having doubts?” He finally said.

“Aren't you?” Levi replied, looking back at him quickly. 

Erwin just looked at him for a moment. “No.”

“Tch.” Levi turned back. “So, that's your intention. To continue on like always. Your plan was a failure.” He hissed. “We lost so many. There's still so much we don't know, and it seems like the Titan's are just getting stronger.” He gave the bag a single punch. “It's not like it was five years ago... What the hell hope do we even have left?”

“Hmph.” Erwin spoke sternly, but gently. “Hope is all we have left. Without hope, there is nothing left to fight for.”

Levi shook his head, continuing to stand facing away from the Commander. “...Even if it's just an illusion?” 

“Yes.” Erwin said. “Even if it's just an illusion.” 

Levi scoffed and growled, then took several deep breaths before speaking again, still heaving from his movements. He lowered his head and turned it a bit. He shoulders relaxed, and he finally said, “...I couldn't tell him...” 

“Hmm?” 

“I couldn't say anything...” Levi tried to hide the tightness in his throat, but it was near fruitless. “He was just standing there, going on and on, completely oblivious to the fact that I let his daughter die.” He lifted his head and punched the bag again. 

Erwin looked down at the ground, not finding anything to say.

“I suppose... he found out eventually.” Levi said with another punch.

“Are you having regrets?” Erwin asked.

“I can't be like you.” Levi replied. “I try, but I don't know how you do it.”

“Hmm...” Erwin put the candle down on the bench next to him, then interlaced his fingers, bringing them up and resting his chin on them. “It's not your fault, Levi. You know this. Petra was a capable warrior, and she knew the risk when she came to the Scouts. They all did.” Erwin said. In a strange sense, he was trying to be comforting, but still had the air of a commanding officer.

“Maybe...” Levi paused. “Maybe I shouldn't have even chose her for the squad...” He said. “But... I just wanted to be close to her.” A moment of hesitation, then yet another punch.

“Stop it.” Erwin told him. “You need to learn not to do this to yourself.”

“Tch...” The bag creaked back and forth as it swung idly from side to side. This time, Levi took the bag between both hands and steadied it. “I thought I had...” With that he disrupted the newly found quiet with a knee kick to the side of the thing. Then another, and another. The bag finally fell from its chain and tore open, spilling it's contents to the floor. He just stood there and stared at it, sweat dripping down from his shirtless torso, his hair disheveled and unkempt and his hands blanketed with a layer of dirt. The things dismembered pieces in disarray, cluttering the floor with its innards.

“I suppose...” Levi said after a moment. “Some things never change.”

Erwin stood up and approached his friend, coming up to his side and looking down at the mess he had made of the floor and himself. He reached down and lifted one of Levi's hands by the wrist. “You should take a shower and try to sleep. Put some ice on these first, though. They'll be swollen by tomorrow if you don't.”

“Hmph...” Levi scoffed, pulling his hand away, then finally turning to face the commander. “Is that an order?”

Erwin looked at his friend. Levi's eyes were dark and full of strain. He could see the damp remnants of tears that had streaked down his face. “It's a suggestion.” 

Levi snapped his head away in frustration, wishing the Commander would just leave him be. 

But that was too much to ask of Erwin, who turned and picked up the shirt Levi had discarded carelessly on the floor, putting it around the shoulders of the shorter man. 

“Come on... we have a meeting tomorrow.” He said. “Help me put out these torches. I don't think anyone's going to be down here for a while.”

* * * * * *

Night had fallen. The sound of chirping crickets and the crackling of a modest fire lead the squad into an uneasy peace, though that silence was deafened by the memories of the events earlier that day. Screaming, gunfire, the splattering of blood and brain matter – the squad members were relented to a shameful trauma no one could undo. None of them had expected, three months ago, that this was were the Survey Corps would lead them. To dirty their hands with the blood of fellow human beings had been unthinkable back then. They all had the same biting question. Was this really the path they needed to be on? Was this right? Did they even have a choice?

Sasha's hands trembled as she attempted to stitch up a wound on the Captain's shoulder.

“Hey.” He said to her. “Take a breath, will you?”

The unnerved young woman clenched her teeth together. “S-sorry!” She said in a sort of whine. The Captain had become particularly scary over the past several days. She didn't know if he'd always been this way, or if this was a new trend due to the current situation. Either way, she felt particularly fearful of possibly angering the man.

“It's fine.” He said calmly, but sounding somewhat annoyed as he shifted his eyes towards her, but didn't look directly at her. “Just relax a moment if you can't stop shaking.” 

Sasha put her hands down and took a deep breath, closing her eyes in an attempt to collect herself.

Jean sat behind a crate, away from the others, holding his head. Connie kept himself busy feeding and giving water to the horses. Aside from that, the only thing anyone could hear was the sound of Armin retching outside. 

Not that anyone could blame him. 

“You guys...” Connie said, breaking another long silence, a concerned look on his face in the direction of the noise. “Is he gonna be alright?”

Jean looked up at Connie, his expression grim. 

“Mikasa's with him.” Levi said dismissively. “He'll be fine.”

Jean looked away again and sneered, the mix of emotions inside of him a complete mess. On one hand, he felt angry at the Captain. He always seemed so cold and uncaring, no matter the circumstances, and Jean found it extremely unsettling. _Didn't what happened today effect you at all?_ He thought. 

Yet, on the other hand, deep down he knew that this was just the way it was. The Captain was not the one at fault. And he wondered, for a moment, if he survived long enough, if he would end up the same way.

He could still hear Armin out there. The guilt kept pulling at him, tearing him apart inside. Everyone had the same thing on their minds – the faces of the people they had killed that day. Even Levi, though unnoticeable, was shaken by the days events. Though it wasn't the fear of imminent death or the deaths of others that got to the soldier. No... It was seeing _him_ again. 

Levi didn't think Hell could get any worse, but these past few months... have proved him terribly wrong. He wondered to himself, with a sickening sense of dread, how much worse it was actually going to get...

And how long it was going to be before it finally caused him to break...

* * * * * *

“ARMIN!!!” A strangled cry escaped the lone soldiers mouth, his voice cracking while he fought the pain and tightness in his throat. It was so quiet. Horrifically quiet. The only sound was the rustling of wind through the trees, but it did little to lift the stink of blood from the air.

The Captain shook, suddenly feeling weak. He put a hand over his mouth in an attempt to compose himself and silence the sobs he was struggling to suppress. _Stop it... Don't you dare cry..._ He cursed himself. His legs gave out from under him, and he sat there on his knees, feeling more weak and helpless than ever. _No... please..._ He begged, now trembling uncontrollably. _Not again..._

Levi tried to make his legs function. He was supposed to report back to base if he didn't find anything, but he couldn't move. He dropped his hand from his lips and closed his eyes.

  
_I can still feel it now._  
_My lips against your hair._  
_My hand drifting down the soft skin of your back._  
_Your warm breath as you speak sweet words to me._  
_The sound of your heart as I rest my head against your chest..._

_Is that heart..._

_….still beating...?_

_. . . . . . ._

_Oh, yeah..._

_...I remember what you said now..._

_. . . . . . . ._

_“I think, if we love someone, we shouldn't hold back out of fear...”_  
Armin's voice chimed through his memories.  
_“Everyone's going to die, someday... sooner or later... When I die, I don't want to regret this...”_  
_“Even if we die tomorrow... we'll always have this moment, right now... wont we?”_

_. . . . . . . . ._

_I promised myself... that I'd never fall in love again._  
_But I broke that promise, now here I am._  
_To think there was a time when I didn't care whether you lived or died..._  
_Do I regret it? I don't know yet..._  
_I don't know if I even had a choice._  
_You swept me away with a force I've never known before._  
_I knew that you were just going to hurt me..._  
_But I loved you anyway._

_Please, don't go..._

_Not yet..._

_(To be continued...)_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_And another one bites the dust_  
_Why can I not conquer love?_  
_I might have thought we were one_  
_I want to fight this war without weapons_  
_And I want it, I wanted it bad_  
_But there were so many red flags_  
_Now another one bites the dust_  
_Let's be clear, I trust no one_

_You will not break me_  
_I'm still fighting for peace_

_I've got thick skin and an elastic heart_  
_But your blade, it might be too sharp_  
_I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard_  
_I may snap and I move fast_  
_But you wont see me fall apart_  
_I've got an elastic heart_

_I will stay up through the night_  
_Let's be clear, I wont close my eyes_  
_And I know that I can survive_  
_I'll walk through fire to save my life_  
_And I want it, I want my life so bad_  
_I'm doing everything I can_  
_Then another one bites the dust_  
_It's hard to lose a chosen one_

_But you will not break me_  
_I'm still fighting for peace_

 

[Sia – Elastic Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6dUNr5dEbU)


	2. Ghosts in the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **In This Chapter:** As the new members of the second Levi Squad settle into their unassuming cabin hideout, the weight of their uncertain futures bow heavily on all of them. Especially for Captain Levi, who ponders the gambles they are about to make in the days ahead - while simultaneously fighting the lingering pain of a great loss and the intrusive memories that strengthen it. Meanwhile, the young team members try to find a way to take their minds off their troubles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of ___**

****

# ****S H A D O W S****

 

 

****

### **Chapter 1**

### Ghosts in the Wind

 

****

****  


Levi wandered semi-aimlessly through the corridors. His eyes shifted uneasily, watching out for anyone who might see him down here. It wasn't much like him to be hanging around the Library by himself. And as a man everyone knew as one of routine and habit, part of him worried it might raise a few questions. Questions he didn't particularly want to answer.

Not that he didn't like to read. Sure he did. But it wasn't the books he was particularly interested in. 

It had been barely a day since they had defeated that enormous titan in a plan that nobody really thought would succeed. And during that time, no one had really got a break. Everyone was in a mad frenzy – writing reports, reading reports, figuring out how to keep order in the rapidly changing governmental and political environment. Things were complicated. A lot had to be addressed. And with the Survey Corps at he heart of it all, nobody could afford to relax yet. Levi was lucky he'd even managed to find the time to come down this way as he waited for his next meeting.

As he approached the large, open double doors, he took a peek inside. It was quiet with a couple people sitting at the tables engrossed in whatever it was they were reading or working on, but nobody he cared to interact with. _Maybe he's not here..._ He thought to himself, yet still telling himself that the only reason he was here was to find a good book. _Oh, well..._

He turned to leave, wanting to whisk himself away before anyone noticed he was there, but was stopped when a small voice suddenly called out to him.

“Oh, Captain!” 

Levi froze at the familiar sound emanating from behind him that had apparently come out of nowhere, before quickly wiping any sign of surprise or nerves off his face and turning to face them, his expression and demeanor as cool as ever. 

“Hey. Armin.” He said after he turned to see the young man standing before him, struggling to hold up a large stack of books. “...Got enough reading material?”

“Ha ha.” The blonde laughed, a bit out of breath, and his expression a bit embarrassed as he knew how silly he must look trying to hold onto all those books. “Hanji wanted me to bring a few books by their office...”

“Just a few, huh?”

“Their words.” Armin suddenly dropped a bit as the books began to slip, and used his thigh to try and push them back up into his arms. 

“...Need a hand?” Levi asked, but didn't wait for Armin's answer as he reached out and grabbed a majority of the books, holding them in his arms with ease. 

The blonde laughed sheepishly, now able to free a hand to brush his hair out of his face and wipe a bit of sweat from his brow. “Thanks, Captain...” 

“Yeah.” He said as he took a step back.

Armin just smiled at him warmly as they started making their way down the hall together.

“So... how've you been?” Armin asked with a shy, but friendly tone.

“...Busy, but alright.” He said calmly. “And you?”

“I've been good.” Armin said, quickly looking over at him as he answered, as if he were a little too eager to engage in the conversation. “It feels really good to be home.” 

Levi simply nodded.

The blonde smiled towards the Captain briefly, but upon looking away his smile faded and it was clear something more was on his mind. “Hey... Captain...” He started to ask coyly. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.” The Captain said, turning to him. “What's on your mind?”

“Oh... well...” Armin looked down at the ground, not really sure how to say what was on his mind. “I just... I donno... It feels weird, you know? Being back...”

“Hmm...” Levi acknowledged as he shifted his gaze back in front of him, but continued to listen.

“I mean... It doesn't feel the same... you know?” Armin looked around a bit despairingly. “It's kind of surreal, actually. I woke up this morning and thought for a moment that maybe it was all just a nightmare. Like none of it really happened... Yet, at the same time, being back... it's like... I don't even know how to explain it...” He trailed off a moment before lifting his head and continuing. “I... I don't feel like I'm the same person I was before we left... It's... weird.”

Levi just nodded and said, “I know.”

Armin looked at him a moment, before turning away with a thoughtful expression on his face. “I guess... you must have gone through this before...”

The Captain turned to glance at him, but didn't say anything. 

Armin swallowed hard as he glanced over at him again, before asking with a sense of unease in his voice, “Do you... ever get used to it?”

“You adapt, I suppose...” Levi said, continuing to look forward. “I'm not sure if _'getting used to it'_ is the same thing.”

“Ohh...” Armin looked down, appearing a bit despairing as he did so, but didn't say anything else. His mind seemed to wonder for a moment before he realized they were approaching Hanji's office. “Oh, here we are...” 

Levi entered the room first and was confronted by a mountain of books and paperwork with Hanji standing in the middle of them apparently trying to navigate the mess. He put the books down on the table nearby – as there was no room on the desk - and Armin followed suit. 

“Ah, thank you, Armin!” Hanji said excitedly as they looked up at the two. “Oh, Levi! I'm glad you're here! I wanted to talk to you about the new weapons program.”

“Later. I have a meeting in twenty minutes.” Levi said, then put a hand on his hip as he looked down at the mountain of paperwork, blueprints and other materials. “Not wasting any time, I see.”

“Of course not!” They said as they bent down and tried to sift through them. “There's so much here. You should take a look at it!” 

“Eh...” Levi said, waving a hand at them. “I don't understand all that technical crap.”

“Boy, Armin sure does.” Hanji said, flashing the blonde a joyful grin. “I wouldn't have been able to figure out half this stuff without his help.” 

Armin smiled a bit bashfully at them. “It's not really all that difficult if you know the basics of physics and engineering...” 

“See? He's a smart cookie!”

“He sure is.” Levi said, a bit uncharacteristically as he glanced over at Armin with a barely visible smile. But he seemed to realize this and quickly fixed it by looking away and slightly pressing his lips together. 

Hanji blinked as an awkward moment of silence crept past the trio.

“Uhh...well...” Armin broke the strange quiet, lightly scratching the back of his head. “I, uh... better bring the Commander those papers...” 

“Oh! Right!” Hanji said, looking around frantically before picking up a stack of paperwork and handing it to Armin. “There they are. Almost thought I lost 'em.”

The young blonde just smiled at them as he took the papers. “I'll be back later to help you with the rest of these.” He said, then turned to the Captain as he hugged the paperwork to his chest and timidly tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. “Um... I'll see you at mess?”

“Yeah.” Levi said, looking over at him with a nod. “See you then.”

Armin smiled at him warmly, abashedly re-tucking the lock of hair before turning and swiftly leaving the room. 

Levi didn't realize how long he lingered as he stared in the direction Armin headed off in.

“Ooooo...” Hanji cooed lowly after a moment as if they'd just found out something extremely intriguing. “What's going on there?”

The Captain immediately furrowed his brow and turned back towards them before snapping deep and sharply, “What?” 

“I saw that.” 

Levi turned his body towards them and, quite casually, stepped closer – perhaps a little too casually - raising his eyebrows and turning his nose up at them. “...I don't know what you're talking about.” 

“Uh-huh.” The burgundy-haired researcher said with a skeptical half-grin. “You were _smiling._ ”

“No, I wasn't.” He said directly, then leaned over the desk, looking down at some of the papers on top for no particular reason.

Hanji put a hand on their hip and tilted their head to the shorter man, making a face that clearly showed they weren't buying it. 

Levi looked up when he realized they weren't saying anything. “...What?”

“You're lying.”

Levi scoffed, playfully pretending to be offended as he turned his head away in detest. “I never lie.”

“Ohhh!” The gawked with an excited whine before bending over the table and resting their elbows on it to support their head with her hands under their chin. “Come on, Levi. Tell your old friend Hanji what's going on. I wanna know!”

“Nothing is _'going on_.” The Captain stood up straight and furrowed his brow as he crossed his arms over his chest, starting to sound annoyed. “And keep your voice down...” He said, his tone now a bit hushed.

Their jaw dropped momentarily as they squirmed in place, as if they couldn't contain themselves. “If it was nothing you wouldn't be telling me to be quiet!” They retorted, now also using a hushed voice. “You're a terrible liar!”

Levi let out a huff with an irritated frown. “You're annoying.” He said and turned to leave, waving a hand over his shoulder as he did so. “I gotta go.” 

Hanji blinked a moment before calling out to Levi, “Wait!”

“I told you, I got a meeting...” He said, looking back over his shoulder at them.

“But I _missed_ you!” They said, dramatically outstretching an arm towards the stern soldier with the pin-straight raven hair. 

The Captain huffed again before looking back at them and giving a weak shrug. “Fine. Let's have a drink tonight.”

“Yay!” Hanji threw their arms in the air happily as Levi rolled his eyes and went on his way.

* * * * * *

_(Several weeks earlier...)_

The deep blackness of the new moon had fallen over the cabin as if to reflect the dark mood that shadowed across the past few days. Though the sleeping countryside seemed quiet and peaceful, the crickets and frogs chirping with their carefree songs, the weight of recent conversations still bowed heavily in everyone's mind. An uncertain future waited in the darkness for the young members of the second installment of the coveted Levi Squad. Danger felt like it could be around every corner, waiting in the bushes to strike. The group were a capable bunch, and yet, thoughts of their possible eminent demise wouldn't relinquish their hold. With the risks they've taken, and the sacrifices they've made, all they could do was trust in the will and strength of their leaders, and have faith that in their hands they would survive to see the next sunrise.

 

And in the meantime, try to find ways to maintain their sanity. 

 

“Well, I donno what to tell you.” Eren said with his arms folded across his chest as he leaned up against the wall next to Mikasa. “I said it, didn't I? I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.” 

“Hey, I have an idea. “Jean scoffed as he turned in his chair where he sat at the large table in the middle of the room. “Why don't _you_ shovel the horse shit instead? You're pretty much already the Captain's little bitch. Why don't you just marry the guy if you want to be his housewife so bad?”

“Huh.” Eren huffed, brushing off the comment. “You belong in the stables, Jean.” 

“Calling me a horse again?” Jean said as he wrinkled his nose and turned further in his chair towards Eren, became more agitated even though he was trying to brush it off. “Get some new material, Yeager.”

“Guys...” Armin, sitting at the table across from Jean, brought a hand up and scratched his head, raising his eyes up from the table momentarily as well, a look of exasperation on his face. On the table between them, sat a make-shift board game, hand built from little more than paper and black ink.

“Alright, fine.” Eren continued, not really meaning to ignore his childhood friend, but too wrapped up in trying to annoy Jean to stop himself. “But don't say I didn't warn you, or you're gonna be shoveling shit the whole time we're here.” 

He stopped and turned his head, noticing Sasha, sitting on a crate against the wall to his right with a hand over her mouth trying not to giggle out loud. 

“Hey.” Eren said, furrowing his eyebrows. “What's so funny?”

Sasha couldn't hold it in anymore, she moved her hand and burst into laughter. “I'm sorry!” She said between giggles. “That would just be so cute!” She squealed and turned to Eren with a goofy grin. “Can I help you pick out the wedding dress?”

“Wow. Really, Sasha?” Eren said, looking over at her with an unimpressed expression.

“Yeah.” Jean snickered. “I'm sure you know how to fold his clothes just right by now!” 

“Shut up!” Eren barked, trying to use anger to hide the slight blush that came over his face, as the accusation was kind of true.

Sasha laughed even louder, rocking back and slapping her knee. “Yeah, better make sure you don't leave any stains in them!” 

“Seriously! Do you wanna shovel shit the rest of the week too!?” Eren said opening his palms in front of him, his expression now one of both aggravation and panic. 

“Eren...” Mikasa said flatly, but with a slight tone of warning; an irritated flush gracing her face as well due to the conversation at hand. She couldn't tell if Eren was upset because he actually feared for his friends being punished, or out of frustration that they were making fun of his _beloved_ Captain.

Historia still sat quietly on the couch in the corner, not appearing to want to engage with the others at all, just silently watching their argument.

“Y-you guys!” Connie, who was sitting in a chair next to Jean, slightly behind him, was trying to suppress his own laughter. “He's gonna hear you!” He said in a hushed tone.

“Yeah, quiet down, would you?” Armin asked, trying to be firm, but coming across as more of a plea. “I can't concentrate with you bickering like that..”

“Armin.” Jean turned back around to his blonde friend across from him. “You concentrate anymore and your head's gonna explode.” 

 

Outside, Captain Levi stood in his long civilian coat at the front of the building to see off Hanji and their squad as they embarked back to the city to report to Commander Erwin under the cover of night. After a long discussion out of the earshot of the young squad members, everyone was thoroughly exhausted. Hanji looked back at Levi after they climbed up to the front of the carriage and waved goodbye. The Captain lifted an open hand briefly up in response. He stood there silently and watched them ride away into the darkness until they had disappeared from his sight. Everyone could feel it. The uncertainty of the days to come and the dangers that their actions could pose weighed heavily on everyone. But it was what had to be done.

He finally turned, deciding to take a quick patrol around the perimeter to make certain of no potential threats and gather his own thoughts. The tired squad leader took lights steps across the grass and patches of dirt, his eyes shifting across the various debris on the ground below him. His shoulders felt heavy, even more so with the rifle he had slung over one of them. The man was beginning to feel much older than he actually was, he'd noticed as of late. His mind wondered with little control. He wanted to give it a break from the stress of this hopeless situation, but his thoughts could never let him be. Over the past several days, it seemed life itself was attempting to break him. No soul would be none the wiser, though, as he was truly skilled at hiding his feelings behind a flawless blanket of apathy. And also, with the realization that it wasn't just him the world was trying to break – but all of humanity itself.

Who was he to complain about his own petty distresses?

Having went a full third of the way around the cabin, he stopped and looked up into the dark of night, beyond the tall trees and the mossy overhang of the roof. The sky was clear and the stars were shining brightly. Their pins of light, to this day, still mystified him. He thought about the plan, their ultimate goal, again his mind drifting back into the unavoidable dilemmas of their circumstances. So many unknown truths, so many uncertainty's. These cards they were playing, the risks they were about to take, only able to hope the future will give them a good hand. With his own stunted vision, Levi just couldn't see through to the end. Not like Erwin and Hanji seemed to. Or maybe they were as uncertain as he was. He didn't know, and really, it didn't matter. This was the best – and only – plan they had. They had no choice but to put their faith in it.

Still, having such a large portion of their strategy based on the speculations of a teenage rookie was something the Captain never would have imagined. 

The first time he saw the boy, he didn't think much of him. He was just another recruit – a weak-looking little shit that would no doubt end up as titan food like most of the others. Yet now, after all this time, against all the apparent odds, he was still alive. Not only that, he was a key factor in planning out the moves of the Survey Corps' future operation. He remembered, back then, when the realization of his ability was first recognized and utilized by the Survey Corps. When Erwin had brought him and Mikasa to their castle headquarters. How he, on his own, had accurately determined the identity of the Female Titan. How he, the Captain had heard, was the one who came up with the idea to block off the hole in Trost with a boulder, using Eren's power. How he'd saved himself and his comrades, when they were trapped in the fortress, by coming up with a strategy to kill the titans that had interloped upon them. 

The kid had a pretty good track record. It would be a lie to say this veteran Survey Corpsman wasn't impressed.

Still, the Captain had his reservations, and in his doubtful mind couldn't help but shake the feeling that it was reckless to put so much trust into someone so young and inexperienced. Those decisions, however, were out of his hands. Erwin trusted his judgment, and so did Hanji. That's all Levi really needed to know.

He stopped himself, shaking his head of his annoying thoughts, and tried again to clear his mind. If only he had something else to focus on, he wished, but that was a futile hope. 

The dark-haired, steel-blue eyed man lowered his head and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small tin box and retrieving from it a hand-rolled cigarette. Placing it in his mouth, he took out one of the matches he kept with them and cupped it in his hands, puffing on it impatiently as he attempted to shield the flame from the wind. Smoke billowed out from his lips in brief clouds before he was satisfied it was lit, and he took the match away, waving it in his hand to put it out. Holding the cigarette between his lips, he lifted his head back up and took a drag, then brought up two fingers to remove it before inhaling slowly. He closed his eyes, feeling the chemicals burn through his blood stream, then after a moment, let the smoke escape his lungs.

_You really shouldn't smoke those...”_ He remembered a familiar voice speak to him in his head. _“It's not good for you, you know.”_

“Yeah, yeah, yeah...” He muttered to himself quietly as he put the pack back in his pocket and took another drag. It was something that had been familiar to him since he was just a kid. Though he'd managed to quit years ago, on and off anyway, recently he found himself taking it up again. It was something he always seemed to come back to when things had gotten particularly rough. Whether it was from stress or just to ground himself, it was something that gave him at least a small comfort. He made sure to keep that fact hidden from others, however. It would be a shame to him if anyone found out about his dirty little habit. 

_“You need to learn to loosen up once in a while.”_ The voice said again, firm but cheerful, with a pleasant note to it that was almost like the sound of music. _“Maybe you could try meditation or something? It works pretty good if you practice it every day. Besides...”_ The voice didn't relent. _“It always tastes gross when I kiss you if you've been smoking.”_

_…Shut up._ He thought, closing his eyes and furring his brow as he cursed his own memories. _Just shut up already, I don't wanna hear anymore.._

_“You're so rude!”_

Levi opened his eyes again after a moment, his expression suddenly softening. “I'm sorry...” He muttered without really realizing he was saying it out loud. The soldier genuinely felt bad, as if the conversation in his head were real, even though he'd never actually said it. And even if he did, this person wouldn't be able to hear it anyway.

_“It's okay.”_ He could see her kind smile and her warm, shining golden eyes so clearly in his mind. _“I still love you, anyway.”_

He reached a hand up and rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger - again, trying to push the painful thoughts away, but having little success, and becoming increasingly frustrated by it. 

It didn't matter. None of it mattered anymore. There wasn't a damn point in thinking about it. Any of it. Even for a moment. After all...

She was dead.

 

Inside the cabin, the troupes laughter and bickering had stifled somewhat. The meek, thoughtfully quiet, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Armin Arlert reached over and moved a small piece of folded paper across the crudely built board game, replacing one and taking it off the board.

“H-hey!” Jean exclaimed.

“Your turn.” Armin said nonchalantly. 

“Hey, Jean.” Connie chimed in.

“No, Connie. Your ideas never work.” He said, waving a hand at his friend frustratedly.

“But--! I got a good one this time!” 

“No way!”

“Come on!” He whined. “You're the one that said two heads are better than one!”

“Not if one is _your_ head.”

Armin leaned back in his chair and put a hand over the side of his face as he looked across the table at the two and sighed, his facial expression not amused. “You guys...” He said with a tired exhale. The young man wondered for a moment why he bothered to share this pastime with his friends, seeing as this was all that was apparently going to come of it. 

Suddenly, they heard a click, then a creaking sound as the front door of the cabin opened. Cold air spilled into the room, and following walked in their squad leader.

Everyone stopped, and the room became deathly quiet. Eren shook his head and put a hand against his face, hoping that the Captain hadn't heard the nonsense his companions were spewing just minutes earlier.

Levi shuddered, pulling his long coat tightly around him with one hand as he walked in. A gust of air blew debris from outside into the cabin - leaves and other unsavory elements swirling past him and landing on the doormat below, to the mans dismay. “Tch...” He scoffed annoyedly and kicked them back out before shutting the door and turning to his team.

Everyone froze for a moment as they looked back at their leader.

“Hey.” He said calmly, adjusting his collar and unbuttoning his coat. “...What are you doing?”

When no one spoke up, Eren took it upon himself to answer him. “We were just playing a game, Sir...”

“Oh?” The Captain said as he took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack, then turned and started walking towards them. “All the work that needs to be done around here, and you're playing a game? Hmph...” He said disapprovingly, his tone dry and annoyed and his eyes narrowed. He looked down at the mess of paper on the table - one flat piece with uneven squares drawn on it, covered in other various, poorly folded pieces - one set of which had ink messily scribbled on them. “...What the hell is _that?_ ” He scowled disdainfully. “Who made this garbage?”

After a moment, Armin spoke up to take responsibility. “Uh... I did.” He said coyly with an embarrassed half-smile. “I, uh... I just thought everyone could use something to get their mind off of everything that's going on... you know?” He looked back down at his creation as he spoke with a sheepish expression. “I admit, I'm not much of a craftsman...”

“Hey, don't take all the credit.” Jean said, crossing his arms over his chest, frowning and sweating just a little bit where he sat. “I _helped_ you make this garbage...” He remarked as he glanced over at the Captain, trying and help his friend feel a bit better and take some of the blame.

“Ha ha...” Armin chuckled a bit nervously as he pointed to Jean. “Yeah, you can blame Jean, too.”

“Hmm...” The Captain said flatly, crossing his arms as well with an air of impatience. “I see...”

“I'm sorry.” The young man with the long, blonde hair turned back to his superior. “We'll clean this up and get back to work...”

“No...” Levi said with a surprisingly placid tone. “It's fine... Enjoy your game.” With that, he turned and began to walk off towards the bedrooms, taking off his gloves as he did so.

Everyone seemed to exhale at the same time, glad that they wouldn't be getting in trouble with their leader, at least not for the moment.

“H-hey, Captain...?” Armin spoke up unexpectedly, his voice a bit louder than before, but still very coy and polite. “...Would you like to play?” 

They all looked around, a bit nervous. and most happy to leave the ill-tempered veteran soldier to do whatever it was he was going to do to simply to quell those nerves. Until recently, none of them had spent much time around the man except Eren, and no one felt very comfortable around him - especially considering his often not-so-pleasant disposition. 

Levi stopped, blinking as he turned back towards them for a moment in response to Armin's question. He walked over to the table, looking down at the paper pieces as if to study them. 

“Yeah, you should give it a try...” Eren said to the Captain. He didn't have the same air of discomfort in his voice that the other team members did. He had become accustomed to the Captain's stern demeanor a long time ago. “No one's been able to beat Armin yet.”

Levi glanced over at Eren. “Is that so?” He leaned over the table for a closer look at the creation. “...What is it?”

“It's called 'Chess'.” Armin explained, looking up at their leader for a moment before shifting his eyes back down and pointing to the board with his finger. “You each start out at either side of the board and try to catch the others king. You gotta move all your other pieces to protect him. They've all got different ways of moving, so you gotta remember which ones can go where...”

“Yeah. It might be a while before your turn though...” Jean said a bit smugly, seeming to become more relaxed, then turning to his blonde friend with a determined grin. “Armin's going _down_ this time!”

“Oh, no... You won't have to wait long. This game is almost over.” Armin said, with an innocent smile towards Jean.

“Huh? What do you mean? We just starte--”

Before Jean could finish his sentence, Armin picked up a piece and moved it across the board. “Checkmate.” 

“Wha--?! Hey! What? No way!” Jean wailed in bewilderment. 

“Huh.” The Captain let out in almost an amused tone. “Alright, then. Count me in.” 

Armin looked up at the Captain with a friendly simper. “Do you know how to play?”

“I've played before.” He said, rolling up his sleeves as though to convey that shit was about to get serious, then turned to Jean. “Move your ass.” 

“Hic!” Jean jumped out of his seat immediately, as though afraid the man might zap him with a lightning bolt if he didn't move fast enough.

The Captain sat down in the chair and leaned forward, resting an elbow on one knee, and a hand on the other. “Now, Armin.” He said in an ironically serious tone. “I hope going up against these rookies didn't make you soft.”

Armin gave him an eager and excited grin. “No, Sir! I'm ready for a challenge!”

“Good.” Levi said. “Let's get started.”

  


  
_(To be continued...)_

* * * * * *

  


_It comes in waves_  
_Until it finally breaks_  
_Like a lightning streak across an empty stage_  
_And the memories are warm_  
_Most of the time_

_As you sit alone_  
_In a crowded room_  
_Until there's nothing left and your heart is bruised_  
_And the water shines over your eyes_

_We're all alone in this together_

_We're gonna make it out_  
_Make it out alive_  
_Until it lays to rest_  
_And we realize_  
_That time is nothing at all_

_And this trail we blaze_  
_Like a hurricane_  
_What a stupid game_  
_What a price to pay_  
_And such a way to fall_

_We're all alone in this together_

_I can't believe_  
_You're so out of reach_  
_That you had no choice_  
_You were never free_  
_From all the pain brought down on you_

_Does it make you weak?_  
_Is it something new?_  
_To admit you failed_  
_That you can't get through_

_And all of this is real_

 

[Star Anna and the Laughing Dogs – All Alone In This Together](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgiiyKHx8uY)


	3. Forsaken Remnants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **In This Chapter:** Armin tries to get to know the somber Captain over an uncomfortably quiet game of chess. As morning breaks the next day, though surly and impatient, Levi proves to be surprisingly hospitable towards his team as he prepares them for a long and grueling day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of ___**

****

# **S H A D O W S**

 

 

****

### **Chapter 2**

### Forsaken Remnants

 

 

Their footsteps echoed through the corridor as the two men walked down the hallway in silence, one in front of the other. Erwin still held a candle in his hand, which let off a dim light. That and a few sparse torches were all that lit their path. As they approached the rooms, the Captain finally turned his head slightly to the man behind him, breaking the silence as he walked.

“...You don't have to follow me, you know.”

Erwin waited a moment before responding. “...I just want to make sure you get back okay.”

Levi turned away an scoffed. “What am I, a _child?_ ” 

The tall blonde didn't respond, just continued to follow. Levi had his shirt back on now, but hadn't bothered to button it - it's usually pristine white cloth spotted with patches of dust and dirt. The Captain's eyes were tired and slightly red with dark bags under them. Erwin knew he wasn't in a mind for company, but he couldn't bring himself to leave him alone.

Levi came to the door of his room and reached for the knob. It creaked as he pushed it open and started to step in. Erwin stood at the door, but the Captain made a point to block him from entering.

“Can I come in?” The Commander asked.

The dark-haired, shorter man swiftly got behind the door, and as he peered past it said, “No.” Then tried to push it shut, but Erwin quickly put a hand on it to keep it open. 

“Are you going to be alright?” 

Levi looked at him with an expression of annoyance and impatience. “I thought I told you to go away and leave me alone.” He said with a scowl.

“I can't do that.” 

“And why not?”

The tall blonde didn't answer him at first, then after a moment said, “Don't think I don't remember what happened last time...” 

“Kch...” Levi turned away from him and tried to shut the door again, but Erwin just pushed on it even harder. 

“Levi.” Erwin said firmly, an air of concern in his deep voice.

The Captain looked back at him, his face a bit softer, with a slight expression of defeat, and sighed, “That won't happen again...” 

“Can I trust you on that?” Erwin said doubtfully. 

The agitated soldier huffed and looked away, becoming visibly uncomfortable. “Please, stop...”

“Levi...” The blonde said again. “Understand, I'm just concerned about you.” 

Levi looked back at him, the pain behind is eyes now slipping through, then after a moment said in a gentler tone, “I'll be fine... I just want to be alone... Just let me be alone for a while, okay?”

Erwin took a deep breath as he looked down at his dismal looking friend.

Levi turned his face just a little more towards his superior. “Trust me...” 

The blonde exhaled before answering. “Alright...” He said. “But don't make me regret this...”

“Huh...” The Captain said under his breath, looking away. “Regret...” It was a word he had come to loathe.

“What?” 

“Nothing...” He looked back. “...Goodnight, Erwin.” 

The Commander finally, and reluctantly, took his hand off the door and stepped back. “Goodnight, Levi...”

Levi shut the door, glad to finally be rid of him. But now he was faced with an even bigger problem. 

It was the first time he'd been back to his room since...

He looked around, suddenly feeling rather sick to his stomach. The place was immaculate, as always - but something very important was missing. Several items lay ownerless - speckled across the room and neatly placed - but they didn't belong to him. A hairbrush on the dresser, along with various other items, like a perfume bottle and a light-shade lipstick. A necklace on the nightstand next to a small, leather-bound diary, and a pair of fleece slippers under the bed.

The disheveled soldier just stood there in the middle of the room, unable to move. It felt like she should still be here. Her items, strewn about the place, waiting for her to come back and do what she always did with them. But that wasn't going to happen. Now, they were just going to sit there and fall into disuse. They belonged to no one now. She would never wear that lipstick or write in that diary again.

He finally took a few steps towards his bed, hanging his head and trying to avert his gaze from the out-of-place objects. But his eyes, as if with a mind of their own, shifted and rested on one in particular. There on the wall, on a suspended brass hook, hung a light-peach colored woman's blouse. 

Levi stopped and stared at it for several moments, before slowly bringing himself closer. He brought his hands up, hesitant and shaky, and gently removed it from the hook. Shifting with unsteady footsteps, he moved towards his bed as he looked at the object in his hands, gently rubbing his thumb against the soft fabric. His lips parted and his breath became shaky as he held it, slowly tightening his fingers around it and holding it close to his chest and face. Letting it caress his weary cheeks, he inhaled deeply, taking in the scent that still lingered there.

It still smelled just like her. He could almost imagine her there with him. Part of him was expecting for her to just wonder out of the bathroom and greet him as she'd done so many times before, always hanging out in there, wanting to make sure she looked nice. 

But that wasn't going to happen. She wasn't going to come out and greet him. They weren't going to lie in bed together and talk about all the stupid things that had happened throughout their day. He wasn't going to hear her sing in the shower while he relaxed and read whatever book he was in the middle of. They weren't going to make love. He wasn't going to feel her warmth as she slept and see her beautiful face in the moonlight...

Suddenly, as he clung to the blouse tighter, his knees gave way and he collapsed, ignoring the pain in his injured leg. Tears began streaming from his eyes yet again and soaking into the pale fabric. He pressed his face into it harder, trying to muffle his sobs, but it was almost impossible. He couldn't hold them back as the reality sunk in even deeper.

Somehow... it was happening all over again.

* * * * * *

“Umm...” Armin started to speak shyly as he sat at the table, looking up at the dark-haired man across from him. “So... Captain...” He fidgeted his hands in his lap, hoping he wouldn't annoy the man, who seemed rather focused on taking his turn. “Where did you learn to play?”

Levi glanced up at him for a moment through deeply focused eyes, then looked back down, bringing a hand over and moving a piece. “I learned after I joined the Survey Corps.”

“Ah...” The blonde acknowledged as he looked over the board, trying to think of something more to say. “So, you learned in the Survey Corps, huh? Is that a common pastime with the Scouts?”

“...Not really.” Levi answered, with a tone as if he didn't understand why Armin was asking such a question.

“Oh.” Armin said and fell silent again. 

It was quiet in the room. Just the sound of the crackling fire drifted through the air. Armin felt a bit awkward sitting in a room by himself with only the Captain. Even though they had something to put their attention on, the awkward silences that lingered on left the boy feeling just a bit out of place. It was okay with everyone else around, like they were earlier, but now everyone had gone to bed while Levi and Armin stayed up to play their game, which had wound up taking a bit longer than expected. 

Although Levi seemed fine to sit there in silence, Armin couldn't help but at least try to spark up a conversation.

“So...” He said, trying to think of an appropriate question. “...Why did you join the Scouts?” 

Levi didn't answer at first. His eyes shifted to look up at Armin, a slightly annoyed expression developing on his face. “You're a nosy one, aren't you?”

“Oh...” Armin's shoulders tensed as he looked down. “I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make conversation..."

The Captain blinked and his eyes lingered on him a moment before answering. “It's fine...” He said in a surprisingly soft tone. “...It's a long, boring story. You wouldn't wanna hear it.”

“Ah... I see.” The blonde said, sitting there with his hands pressed into his lap anxiously as he looked over at his squad leader, hoping he would say something more.

Levi propped his arm up and rested his temple on his fist, then looked over at Armin again. “...Are you going to go?”

“Oh! Right...” Armin felt himself begin to sweat as he turned his head down to the board. His failed attempts at getting a conversation going seemed to be distracting him from the game, and he was embarrassed he'd forgotten it was his turn. But now he had become flustered and couldn't focus. 

The young man reached over and just moved the first piece he had considered without really thinking it through.

Everything was still for a moment. Levi gave a long blink and looked up at Armin with unimpressed eyes. “...Really?”

“Uh.. haha...” Armin smiled sheepishly, now even more abashed.

Levi sighed. “Retake it.” He said, pointing to the board insistently, his expression softening just slightly. “I'm going to get some tea while you think. And, Armin...” 

Armin looked up at the Captain nervously.

“Relax.” He said turning in his chair. “I'm not going to eat you.” 

The blonde lowered his head down a bit, but still looked at Levi, and gave a slight, bashful chuckle. “Haha... Yes, sir...”

The dark-haired soldier moved to get up from his chair, but suddenly stopped and let out a hiss of pain. “Mmph... Kch...” He tensed up abruptly and sat back down, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut as he grasped his left thigh just above the knee.

“Huh?” Armin said, looking up quickly with concern. “What's wrong?” 

“Ahh... It's nothing... I just turned wrong...” Levi sighed. “It's fine.” 

“Oh, that's right.... You still have that leg injury...” The blonde lifted his head further towards the older man, almost jumping in his seat with a sudden realization. “Captain! Isn't it dangerous, being out in the field like this with an injured leg?” He had to inquire. “I mean, what if we're discovered and need to fight? What will you do?”

Levi looked over at Armin, with a serious, but calm expression. “I'll count on the strength of my team.” He said plainly.

“On us...?"

“Of course.” The Captain said. “Or do you think my choice was wrong?” 

“Oh, no... but...” 

Levi waited for Armin to answer.

“Well... I was wondering, though...” The blonde said coyly. “Why _did_ you choose us? I mean... this is an important mission. I'm sure there are plenty of soldiers more qualified than us that you could have chosen from...”

“Hmm...” Levi considered his question, sitting back in his chair a little. “More experienced, perhaps, but you're just as qualified as anyone else.”

“...We are?”

“Yes. You and your classmates have all faced titans multiple times and survived. In unusual situations, no less...” The veteran squad leader said, “As far as we're concerned, you're all full-fledged Scouts, just like the rest of us. Besides...” He said, looking down and rubbing his leg where the pain was. “You're all friends with Eren and Historia. That mean's you'll do whatever it takes to protect them. There's no one better for the job.”

“Ah... I see.” Armin said and looked back down at the board, realizing he still needed to take his turn.

“Mmph...” Levi grunted as he tried to stand up again.

“Oh, wait!” The blonde said, looking up quickly and lifting a hand up towards the Captain. “Let me get it.”

Levi sat back and watched as Armin quickly jumped up from his seat and shuffled over to the fireplace where the kettle hung in front of the pit, keeping warm. The fire had gone out a while ago, but it was still quietly simmering with a few red hot coals.

Armin quickly poured a glass, then brought it over to the Captain, watching it carefully as to not spill. “Here you go.”

The Captain looked up at the boy, a bit surprised by the unexpected gesture, “Uh... thank you.” He brought up his hands and his fingers lightly brushed past Armin's as he took the warm cup.

“You're welcome.” The blonde said with a kind smile, then went back around the table to find his seat. 

As Levi sipped his tea, Armin finally took his turn.

“Ahh...” The Captain said, lowering his cup. “That's better.” Then leaned back over the table to contemplate his next move. 

Armin leaned back in his chair, blinking his eyes tiredly before lifting up his arms above his head in a stretch and letting out a long yawn. He then brought them back down to the table to rest his chin on his hands.

Noticing this, Levi's eyes shifted over to his companion, then up at the clock on the wall. “You should go to bed... It's late.” 

“But we're not done yet...” Armin said, looking up at him.

“We'll just have to call it even. Sleeping is more important.” The Captain replied and reached over to swipe the pieces off the board. 

“H-hey!” Armin complained, lifting his head up and dropping his hands down.

“Nope. Off to bed with you.” 

“Oh, alright.” The blonde said tiredly, then pushed his arms against the table as he lifted himself out of his chair.

“Hey, Armin.” Levi said, looking up at him as the boy stood. “Play again tomorrow?”

“Again?” The blonde asked, a bit surprised.

“Yes.” He said, furrowing his brow and suddenly appearing to become very serious. “That's an order.”

“Ahh... o-okay.” 

His face didn't change one bit as he then leaned over slightly and said, “...I'm kidding, Armin.”  
The young man just stood there and rose an eyebrow at the Captain. His sense of humor was so dry and strange it was hard to tell when he was joking or not.

Levi let out a slight sigh, his expression softened and he seemed to sink a little in his chair. “I would appreciate it.” 

Armin looked at him and blinked, then gave him a gentle smile. “A-alright...” The boy said as he grasped the back of the chair and pushed it under the table. “We can play whenever you want.”  
The Captain looked back up at Armin, his expression somewhere between blank and appreciative. “Thanks.” He said, then turned away and waved a hand at his young team member while he reached for his glass. “Now go to sleep.” 

“Alright.” Armin said as he started off to the bedroom loft, pausing to look over his shoulder and smiling as he said to the Captain, “See you in the morning.”

Levi just sat there and sipped his tea. “...Yeah.”

 

The cabin was biting cold in the beginning hours of the rising day. Rickety wood and non-insulated walls made it a poor structure for holding in heat – that, coupled with long, damp autumn nights, could make the temperature quite unpleasant. It was still early. Armin woke just as the sun was about to break over the horizon. Yet, even at this hour, the grunts of someone training outside was one of the first sounds he noticed. 

He lifted a hand up and rubbed his face as he rolled from his side to his back, twisting his body in a stretch. The young man noticed right away how the cold nipped at his exposed skin and quickly brought his arm back under the blanket, letting out a slight shiver. He blinked his eyes open, trying to focus them as his body slowly awoke. Armin shared a room with Eren, Jean and Connie, and could see that all three of them were still asleep in their beds, even though the Captain had specifically said to be up by dawn. 

The young blonde slowly pushed himself up, wrapping his blanket around him as he did so and letting out another shiver. He stood up and wondered a moment if he should wake his sleeping companions, but decided to go see if anyone else was up first. With the blanket snugly wrapped around him, he quietly shuffled to the door - still half asleep and finding he had to think a bit harder to find his sense of direction in this new place.

When he opened the door, he was surprised by a swift gust of warm air and light. He blinked his eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness and make out the forms before him as he made his way down the rickety wooden stairs. Sitting at the main table were Sasha and Historia, and kneeling in front of the fireplace was the Captain, but no one else seemed to be up. The boy squinted a bit as he started to step out, rubbing the back of his hand against his forehead as he walked into the room. “Oi...” He said quietly with a smile, his voice just a bit hoarse from sleepiness. “Good morning.” 

The Captain just glanced over at him. “Morning.” He said, although seeming disinterested as he turned back to the fire and used the pointed metal rod to stoke the blaze. 

The sleepy young man looked over at their squad leader for a moment, unsure if that was supposed to be a pleasant greeting or not.

“Good morning, Armin.” Historia said politely. 

Armin smiled at her as he walked over and took a seat across from the two girls. “You up already, huh? I didn't really take you for a morning person, Sasha.” He said, turning to the brunette, who seemed to be in her own little world as she sat there, indulging in a plate full of small biscuits. 

“I made the mistake of heating the biscuits up on the stove...” Levi said, though he didn't turn away from what he was doing. 

“Ha...” Armin chuckled slightly, then turned his head where he could still hear the exertion of somebody outside. “Is that Mikasa?” 

“Yeah.” Historia answered him. “She's been out there since before we woke up.” 

They heard the sound of the small metal gate creak and clang as the Captain stood and put it back up around the fireplace, propping the rod up on the wall nearby. 

“Wow, out in this cold?” Armin said and shivered, even though the room he was in was quite warm now. “Geez... I told her she should really be resting...” He thought out loud. “She's still recovering from her injuries, you know... but she's so stubborn.” 

“It's going to backfire if she doesn't let up.” Levi said, suddenly right beside Armin, tossing a cup down in front of him like he was either still tired or irritated, possibly both – then proceeded to fill the glass with tea from the hot kettle he held in his hand. “Here.” 

“Oh, thank you...” Armin said, turning to look up at the Captain.

“Thank you for getting up on time.” He said a bit snarkily, then turned to the girls. “Refills?”

“No, thank yo--”

“Yes, please!!” Sasha yelped, suddenly coming out of her trance and pushing her glass towards Levi as far as she could, practically laying herself on the table.

He sighed. “...Of course.” Then poured her a new glass of tea.

“Thank you, Captain, Sir!” She said excitedly, as he turned and walked away, rolling his eyes.

“Captain, should I wake them?” Armin asked, turning away from Sasha - who seemed to have moments where she could command everyone's attention - and looked towards the seemingly impatient man.

“No, it's fine.” The squad leader said, not bothering to look back at him as he stood in front of the fireplace, refilling his cup and placing the kettle back on the hook where it hung above the burning coals. “I'll give them a few more minutes.” He grumbled and took a drink. 

The blonde looked back at the two girls and leaned forward a bit, eyeing the plate of biscuits. “So... how are they?” He said, reaching for one. 

Sasha stopped mid sip and suddenly reached over, snatching the plate away and pulling it towards her with a growl. 

“Oi, Sasha.” Levi said firmly, looking over his shoulder from where he stood. “Share.” 

Sasha groaned, with another biscuit suddenly in her mouth, and reluctantly pushed the plate back towards Armin, dropping her face down and lightly hitting her forehead on the table.

“They're not even...” Historia said, looking at the other girl awkwardly. “...Really that good.”

They heard a clank as Levi put his cup down roughly and started stomping towards the bedrooms, muttering something under his breath about laziness. He stomped up the stairs to the loft and abruptly pushed open the door where the other boys were still sleeping and shouted, “HEY!” Everyone at the table suddenly froze. “What the hell do you think this is? A vacation?! Wake the fuck up!” 

Armin and the girls looked at each other, suddenly glad they had woken up early. Levi came tromping back down to the fireplace, and barely a moment later, Eren and Connie came bursting through the stairwell, a look of terror on their faces as they rushed, half-asleep into the main room, both clumsily standing at attention in front of Captain Levi in their tank-tops and boxers as that gave him a solute.

“Sir, yes, sir!” Eren yelped. 

“We're ready for duty, sir!” Connie followed.

“Oh, for fucks sake, knock it off you two.” Levi said, unimpressed. “It's to damn early for that shit.” 

The two boys relaxed as Jean slowly stumbled down from the room, rubbing his face with his blanket wrapped around him and his eyes barely half open. 

Armin turned and smiled at him. “Morning, Jean.” 

“Mmm... morning...” He mumbled and made his way over to the table. “Geez, talk about a rude awakening...”

“Well, if you can't get yourself up on time then get used to it.” Levi said sternly, as he grabbed another plate of biscuits that had been sitting on a metal sheet above the fire, and shoved them into Eren's hands. 

“AH! Hot!” Eren cried out and turned quickly, dropping the plate onto the table. 

“Eat and get ready, Eren. Hanji should be here any minute.” He said, glaring seriously at the green-eyed brunette who looked over his shoulder at the Captain with a tense expression. “Today is not going to be a fun day for you.” 

 

  
_(To be continued...)_

* * * * * *

 

_I am lost_  
_In a rainbow_  
_Now our rainbow is gone_

_Overcast_  
_By your shadow_  
_As our worlds move on_

_In this shirt, I can be you_  
_To be near you, for a while_

_There's a crane_  
_Knocking down_  
_All those things that we were_

_I awake_  
_In the night_  
_I hear the engines purr_

_There's a pain_  
_It does ripple_  
_Through my frame_  
_Makes me lame_

_There's a thorn_  
_In my side_  
_It's the shame_  
_It's the prize_

_Of you and me_  
_Ever changing_  
_Moving on now_  
_Moving fast_

_And this touch_  
_Must be wanting_  
_Must become free to act_

_But I'm here_  
_I came to tell you_  
_That I love you_  
_It never ends_

_And I've bled_  
_Every day now_  
_For you_

_I did send_  
_You a note_  
_On the wind_  
_For you to read_

_Our names_  
_There together_  
_Must've fallen_  
_To the sea_

_To the depths_  
_Of the soil_  
_Buried deep_  
_In the ground_

_On the wind_  
_I can hear you_  
_Call my name_  
_I held the sound_

_I am lost_

 

[The Irrepressibles – In This Shirt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1XhabUawmU)


	4. The Long Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **In This Chapter:** The first day at the hideout doesn't go according to plan. The experiments are heading nowhere, and Levi struggles to maintain his composure in a cabin full of sloppy, annoying teenagers - getting testy when Eren says the wrong thing. Armin shows concern for the Captain, much to his surprise. Historia tries to remind her friends to be thankful for what they still have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of_**

****

# **S H A D O W S**

 

 

****

### **Chapter 3**

### The Long Road

 

 

“Well...” Levi said, with his squad at his back as they walked down the trail to where their horses were tied - the hood of his cloak over his head, weaving in the wind as he glared forward with a dissatisfied expression. “That was a waste of time...”

Hanji was on his left, frantically scribbling down some notes on a piece of paper so panicked the Captain thought it would be a miracle of they were decipherable later. The others were following close behind, including Armin and Mikasa, each of which had their arms on either side of Eren, holding him up as they dragged him along with them. 

“And he passed out.” Levi continued, looking behind him. “You worked him too hard today.” 

“You think so...?” Hanji asked, pausing their writing for a moment, but continuing to stare at the page with a pained, sheepish grin. “I thought I was going pretty easy on him...” 

Levi sighed, exhausted from a long day. Dusk was approaching, burning the sky into a reddish-orange hue that faded into a deep blue across the plain above them - the yellow sun still peaking over the edge of the earth, casting black shadows throughout the sprawling forest. 

 

By the time they had rode their horses back to the cabin, the sky had turned a dark blue-black, lined with a silver crest that blanketed the horizon in the distance. 

Though laggard with weariness, the group hastily stabled their horses, then waited as Captain Levi went inside to inspect, and make sure no one had slipped in while they were gone. Though it seemed to Armin to be a bit unnecessary, like he was just doing it out of some sort of habit.

The blonde young man, having dismounted his horse, reached up to help Mikasa as she lowered Eren off her mount. Grasping his unconscious friend under the arms, he stumbled when Mikasa let go of him, “Mmph...” He murmured, struggling to steady himself with all of Eren's weight. 

Jean quickly came over to aid his small friend. “Here.” He said as he hooked an arm under Eren's and pulled him up, possibly saving Armin from completely toppling over.

“Uhhgh...” Their groggy companion groaned as he began to come to, lifting his head up just slightly and opening his eyes in narrow slits. “W-what... happened...?” 

“Eren?” Armin smiled softly. “Are you alright?” 

“You passed out...” Mikasa said as she came up to them after dismounting her horse. She was calm, but Armin could see the subtle twinge of frustration in his stoic childhood friend's expression. “These veterans.” She muttered. “They don't know when to quit...” 

“Are you feeling okay?” Armin asked again, putting his free hand on Eren's shoulder.

“Uhh... Yeah, I'm fine.” He said and tried to stand by himself, waving Jean off him and leaning on Armin again for support.

The blonde grasped on to Eren's arm. His fellow squad member was shaky and had to put a lot of weight on him, but he managed to keep his balance this time. He watched as the green-eyed brunette brought up his other hand and held his head. “Ugh... headache...” 

“Let's get you inside...” Armin said, smiling at him gently as he grasped his friends hand. 

“We have to wait for the Captain...” Sasha reminded them as she stood a few feet in front of the door amidst the light of the torch that had been placed on the stand nearby, holding her arms crossed in front of her chest tightly as she shivered from the cold breeze, one that had been relentlessly sweeping through on their ride back.

“Hmph...” Mikasa huffed and started tromping towards the door. As she approached, the Captain suddenly appeared in the doorway, nearly running into her. 

“Tch...” He said, moving back just slightly, trying to hide the fact that he was a bit startled. “...Impatient, are we?”

“Eren needs to lay down.” She snapped gruffly.

“Hmph. Well, what are you waiting for? Get him in here.” Levi growled with a sneer. This girl, despite her talents, was quickly becoming somewhat of a thorn in the Captain's side. Always defiant, always giving him that nasty look like she wanted to murder him in his sleep. He might have found her attempts at intimidating him almost amusing if he wasn't put off by the fact that he had to face upwards to look her in the eye – and that she was almost as skilled of a fighter as he. 

The group rallied into their hideout; shivering, exhausted and ready to rest. Though, as they tried to gather their wits and settle down, the Captain seemed diligent to every detail of their actions. 

“Get Eren to his bed and bring him some water. Hang up your gear and don't forget to oil them before you go to sleep.” He ordered as he started to remove his gloves and coat with almost a ritualistic rhythm. “Get all the other supplies back in the storage room, just don't throw them around anywhere you want. --And don't forget to take off your shoes.” 

He watched as Armin, Mikasa and Jean slowly and cumbrously helped Eren to the bedroom, while the others began to remove their coats and outer wear as well, looking at the Captain with exhausted and ill-favored expressions as he spoke. “...Whoever wants to can start dinner. The rest of you are going to finish cleaning up this dump.” He continued, showing indifference to their groans and somber looks of dismay. “Don't look at me like that. I'm not your _mother._ ” He had a stern voice and an annoyed frown. “Now, get to it. Hurry up.” 

Hanji suddenly stomped inside, holding themselves and shivering violently. “Vvvrrrrr!” They said in a high pitched voice, their squad entering in close behind them. “Geez, it's cold! Why haven't you gotten a fire going yet?!” 

Levi let out a huff as he looked at them, his expression becoming more and more unpleasant. “You're tracking in dirt...” 

“Ohhh! Would you knock it off with your weird cleaning thing for a moment!” They pleaded to Levi, shaking their fists tightly in front of their face in a frenzied panic. “I'm freezing!”

The Captain frowned deeply and furrowed his brow. He found it particularly frustrating when Hanji, or anyone else who knew him for that matter, talked that way about his little quirk in front of others. Especially his subordinates, whom he already knew weren't thrilled about being worked to the bone trying to get things to his standards.

“Hanji.” He snapped with a tone of warning. “Shut your mouth or you can go back outside.”

 

A short while later, everyone was getting ready to settle down for the night. Hanji and their squad had departed by now, and the cabin was lit up nicely with a few lanterns and the fire pit blazing with heat. The smell of cooking onions and spices filled the house as a vat of soup simmered in the kitchen. Everyone bustled about, casually conversing as they worked – and sometimes goofing off when the Captain wasn't looking. Armin, Jean and Sasha (who had been kicked out of the kitchen for 'sampling' too much) finished their assigned chores and set the table, while Eren, Mikasa, Historia and Connie were in the kitchen, along with the Captain.

 

“I told you to rest, Eren... You need to save your strength.” Levi said as he vigorously swept the floor, despite the room being full of people moving about – and it already being fairly clean, to anyone else's eyes.

“I know, Sir. But I'm alright... and I don't really wanna just lay around in my bunk while everyone else does all the work...” 

“Hmph..." Levi paused and looked up at the brunette. "Well, if you're crying tomorrow because you're too tired to get out of bed, don't complain to me.” 

“Ha ha.” Eren laughed sheepishly. “No Sir! I won't cry!”

The Captain glanced back up at him a moment through unimpressed eyes, “...Whatever.” Then put his head down and continued to sweep, whisking whatever minute particles of dust that were still left out the back door. 

A sort of high-pitched whistling started to emit from the other room, causing Levi to stop and turn towards the noise with an annoyed glare. “...What the hell is that?”

“Hey, do we have a strainer?” Historia asked, looking over at the two men from where she stood in front of the stove.

Levi huffed, taking his broom with him and quickly shuffling past Eren to the other side of the room. Even though the boy was already much closer, the Captain seemed restless and antsy, almost looking for excuses to move around in the small place. He opened the cabinet and looked up scornfully at the metal bowl, polka-doted with holes, sitting mockingly on the top shelf. 

“Oh!” Eren voiced as he realized this, and reached under the counter to get the stool. “Here you go, Sir!” Then set it down in front of the Captain.

Levi looked back at him and grumbled just at the simple fact that he even needed a stool. “...Thanks.” He said and stepped up on it, reaching for the strainer. “Goddamnit...” He scoffed as he stretched himself upwards, lifting one leg slightly and pushing himself up on his toes. “It's still dusty as fuck up here.” The Captain snagged the colander and dropped back down abruptly, almost hopping back onto the stool, then handing the object off to Eren.

“Take this.” Levi said, staring intently on the offending dusty shelf above. “And hand me a damp cloth.” 

Eren quickly did as he was asked, giving the strainer to Historia before grabbing a cloth from the drawer and wetting it in the sink, then handing it to his superior.

“Hmm... that smells really good!” Connie hummed cheerfully, peeking over Historia's shoulder as she stirred the soup. “Is it done yet?”

“Ah, ah.” She said, smiling and holding up a finger in front of him. “Patience!”

Levi grunted as he reached up to clean away the thick blankets of dust that still rested on top of the cabinet. “I swear to God, Eren...” He muttered under his breath, trying to be out of the earshot of the others. “This filthy little shack is going to drive me fucking nuts...” 

Mikasa just watched them as she sat in the corner. Despite Levi's efforts, the girls keen ears could pick up more than most and she could hear them quite clearly.

“Aw, it's not so bad, is it?” Eren said reminiscently, smiling up at the man. “I mean... I think it's kind of nice... It kind of reminds me of back then... you know?” 

“...Back then?” Levi asked, looking over his shoulder at the boy. 

“Yeah... you know. I mean, I know it's different now, but...”

He turned back to the shelf and continued to clean. “You mean at the castle?” 

“Yeah...” 

Levi paused silently for a moment before continuing his task. “...You talk about it like it was years ago.”

“It... feels like a long time... doesn't it?” 

The Captain suddenly dropped down from the stool. “No.” He snapped, glaring at the boy, “Now shut your _goddamn mouth_ and go get some _rest_ like I told you!” Then threw the dirty rag into Eren's hands, before grabbing this broom and starting towards the door. 

The brunette blinked, trying not to drop the object that was suddenly thrown at him, his face now apologetic. “...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--” 

But before he could finish, Levi had already disappeared through the doorway, stomping heavily and clearly aggravated.

Historia looked over her shoulder timidly. “...Is he mad?” 

“He's _always_ mad...” Connie remarked, narrowing his eyes in the direction his superior had left in.

“I don't know... ” Eren murmured as he turned to them. “I think he's more touchy these days than he used to be...” He looked down at the floor. “We shouldn't blame him, though. After all... it hasn't been all that long since...” 

 

“No, no. You gotta hold it like this, see?” Armin said, reaching his hands across the table, holding the top of an acorn between his fingers with both hands. “You put your thumbs at an angle, then blow.” He brought it up to his lips and demonstrated, creating a high-pitched whistle. 

“Ahh! That's annoying.” Jean complained.

Sasha tried to imitate him with her own acorn, but only succeeded in a sputtering screech. 

“It takes some practice...”

“Geez!” Jean said, sticking a finger in his ear. “Why would we need something like that?” 

“In case of emergencies. If one of us gets lost in the woods or something happens, we can use these to as a distress signal or a warning.” Armin explained.

“Huh..." Jean sniffed harshly, turning up his nose a little at Armin. "Where the heck do you get this stuff?”

“It's called _reading books._ " The blonde replied cheekily. "You should try it sometime.”

The three froze as they heard the Captain's angry voice and watched him suddenly come stomping out from the kitchen, heading over to the other side of the room and grabbing his coat. He looked over at them as he put it on to find them peering in his direction.

They all paused for a moment, blinking as they exchanged stares.

“...WHAT!?” Levi snapped loudly.

The three looked away timorously before hearing him tromp out the side door.

“Huh...” Armin said, looking back up cautiously towards the direction he'd left through. “I wonder what that was all about...”

 

Outside, Levi heavily stepped across the deck, propping his broom up against the post and exasperatedly snatching the handkerchief off his head. The squad leader had found himself becoming increasingly frustrated as the day wore on. Nothing seemed to be going right. The experiments appeared to be going nowhere, thus far. Having to sleep in this dusty old shack with a bunch of kids who, despite their capabilities and undeniable skill as Scouts, he didn't feel the most comfortable with - and they didn't seem particularly comfortable around him either. It wasn't something he had thought about when choosing his team, and really, why would he? This was about the mission, after all. Not making friends. Still, the malcontent, for whatever reason, was starting to get to him.

Or perhaps that wasn't it. Perhaps it was all the other thoughts he already had whirling around in his mind, and the situation itself was just making it worse. 

He looked down and watched a fat, black spider crawl out from between a crack in the wood boards. “Goddamn...” Levi muttered under his breath, more forlornly than angry, before moving a foot to crush the arachnid under his boot. “...Stupid kids...”

* * * * * *

“AAIIEEE!!!” A woman's screech pierced through the air and resonated through the stone walls of the massive structure, the sound practically sweeping the dust from between the bricks as she stood a few steps up a ladder, clinging on for dear life to it's metal frame. “KILL IT! KILL IT!”

THWAP! Came the noise that resulted after Levi brought a rolled up piece of paper down on the unsuspecting arachnid. “Got it...” 

“Are you sure it's dead?!” 

“It's definitely dead...” He said, looking down at the glob of squished bug on the white paper, “ _Ick._ ” And hastily tossed it into the trash.

The strawberry blonde gave out a sigh of relief, her face relaxing as she let one hand go of the ladder and placed it on her chest. “Phew! That was close!” 

“...Close?” Levi said as he came back over to her, offering his hand. 

“Yes! It almost got on me!” The girl whined as she took his open palm and let him help her hop down from the ladder into his arms. 

“I swear... You can go up against a Titan, but one little spider...” He said with a somewhat amused sigh.

“I hate spiders! They're just creepy and crawly and ick!”

“Hmph...” He wrapped an arm around her waist and smirked. “What a big baby.” 

She wrinkled her nose a bit and retaliated, “Well, you look silly with that handkerchief on your head.” 

“What? I don't want my hair to get dusty...” He said and leaned in for a kiss.

But she bent back, reaching up and pulling the white cloth down over his eyes.

“Ay...” Levi complained playfully.

She started to giggle before putting her hands on either side of his face and lovingly kissing him. He kissed her in return, reaching a hand up her neck and caressing the back of her hair.

“Captain! Oh--!” Eren stopped himself as he was about to burst through the doorway, suddenly spinning himself around and blushing at what he saw. “S-sorry!”

Levi quickly pulled away and yanked the cloth up from over his eyes as he turned around to his young subordinate.

“Oi... Eren.” _Brat_. “What is it?”

“Sorry, Sir...” The boy said, turning back around and smiling embarrassedly. “But the basement is full of spiders...”

“Ahh! Spiders?!” Petra squealed again. 

“Ugh... You too?” Levi grumbled. 

“Aieeee! Levaiiii!” She complained loudly, balling her fists in front of her with a look of panic and disgust.

The Captain huffed, then reached out and threw a broom over his shoulder as he walked towards the brunette. “Alright, Eren. Let's go take care of it.”

* * * * * *

“I wonder what it's like...” Eren trailed off solemnly as he wiped a new rag over the counter in circles, cleaning up as they got ready to serve the soup and bread.

“Hmm? What what's like?” Historia asked, looking up from where she was preparing everyone's trays. 

“I don't know...” He said, pausing as he spoke to turn over the cloth he was using. “I was just thinking... how I would feel if all _you_ guys...” The brunette trailed off again, suddenly not even wanting to allow that thought to pass through the air. 

Connie and Mikasa looked down to the ground, understanding what their comrade was saying. It was something they all thought about now and then, perhaps more often than they wanted to.

“Especially if it was... years from now, after we've been fighting along side each other for a long time... I... I can't even...” 

“...Everyone's lost people.” Mikasa said somberly. “I'm sure the Captain knows how to handle it...”

“Eren...” Historia spoke up, giving a gentle smile to her teammate when he looked up at her. “Don't think about it... You know, it may not be much, but... we're alive, aren't we? And we have each other, right? I know things are tough but... let's just enjoy what we have now... okay?”

Eren looked back at her with a warm, but pained smile. “Yeah... you're right.” He said with an affirming nod. “Let's enjoy what we have now...”

 

The air was nipping as the night grew older. The sky had become more black, but the stars seemed to shine particularly bright that night. The crystal clear air, however, was obscured by the smoke of two torches at either end of the porch railing and the steady, but irregular clouds that rose from slightly purple tinged lips. 

The squad leader heard a door suddenly open. He sat up from his slouched position on the bench and quickly put out the stogie. 

“Captain?” A small voice called out timidly. 

Levi turned his head to see Armin step out onto the porch, then quickly wrap his arms around his chest and hold himself. “Oooh... It's cold out here.” He said with a shiver.

The Captain looked over at him with a slight expression of dismay and disinterest. “...Is something wrong?”

“Oh, no... It's just... dinners about ready.” 

“Oh.” Levi said blankly. 

“I, uh...” Armin stuttered a bit. “I didn't see you inside, so I thought I'd... come get you...” He said, squinting his eyes a bit as he looked around through the darkness that encompassed their surroundings while he spoke.

“Okay...” Levi said and turned away.

The blonde looked back and just stood there a bit awkwardly for a moment. “Are you...” He asked shyly. “Coming in?”

“I'm fine..." The Captain's voice was tired and flat as he rubbed his hands together. "You guys go ahead.”

The curious young man just stood there looking at him, as if trying to study the older soldier, with a slight look of concern on his face, then tilted his head to the side, “Captain...” He spoke slowly and timidly. “...Are you okay?”

“...Hmm?” The squad leader glanced at him, looking a bit confused. “Of course I am.” 

“Oh, okay.” Armin said, then after a moment, slowly stepped over to the bench and sat down next to the weary looking squad leader.

Levi shifted his eyes over to the blonde questioningly, his voice now with an air of annoyance, “...What are you doing?”

Armin tensed up as he glanced over at him, “Oh... I just... thought you might want some company...”

“I don't.” He snapped, glaring at the boy.

The blonde blinked, his eyes widening a bit at the unexpected hostility. “Oh, okay.” He said quickly, then stood up and began to hurry away back towards the door.

“Wait.” Levi called after him. 

Armin stopped and looked over his shoulder. “...Huh...?” He voiced lightly, his expression confused and a bit intimidated.

“...Come sit down.” 

The young man looked away for a moment and swallowed hard, but turned and did as he was asked – walking over and cautiously setting himself back down next to the Captain. 

“Sorry.” Levi said quietly, looking away from him. “That was rude.” 

“Uh... it's okay...” The blonde said, giving the Captain a gentle smile, even though the man wasn't looking at him. He sat there quietly next to the older soldier, feeling uneasy and wondering why he'd come out in the first place. 

After a moment of silence, the timid young man looked down at the ground, not really sure what to do or say.

Finally, the Captain spoke up again. “...Thanks for doing the windows today.” 

Armin shifted his eyes towards him and blinked with a slight smile. “Uh... yeah, sure.” 

It became quiet again as the two sat there, not saying anything.

“...What is that?” Levi eventually said, looking down at the small object Armin was twiddling in his hands.

“Oh, this?” He replied, turning a bit to the man and lifting his hand up to show him. “It's an acorn cap.” 

“Oh...?” The Captain said curiously. “...You got a thing for nuts or something?”

“Huh?” Armin rose an eyebrow to the odd question, not understanding the sarcasm, then looked back down. “No... its a survival whistle. There's oaks all around here so... I was thinking, if something happens, we can use these as a signal.” He turned back to his squad leader with a meek smile. “Wanna see?” 

“Sure...”

Armin held the object up to his lips and blew, causing an ear piercingly shrill sound to echo through the air.

“.....Ow.”

“Huh?” 

“Loud.”

“Ha ha...” Armin gave a slight laugh as he looked over at him again. “Yeah, it is.” Then his eye shifted back down as he continued to casually twirl the object in his hands. “Do you... think it's a good idea?”

“...Could be useful.” Levi said, glancing over at his subordinate. “Good thinking.” 

Armin glanced at him and gave him an appreciative, but shy smile. “Thanks.”

The two fell silent again.

“You...” Levi started after a few long moments. “...Should go get something to eat.”

“Uh... yeah. Okay...” Armin said, then stood up and began to walk back inside. But about half way, he stopped and spun back around - his hair, soft and sheen, ruffled in the wind, fluttering about his face, mesmerizing in such a way that he didn't even realize. “Captain... please come inside.” He asked kindly, smiling warmly and crossing his arms over his chest again, though not as tightly as before. “It's freezing out here. You should come in and get warm.” 

“Hmm?” Levi raised an eyebrow. _Who does this kid think he is, ordering me around...?_ He thought, but when he answered it was just simply, “Okay...” Then a slight pause. “...I'll come in soon.” 

Armin nodded with a hesitant smile, then coyly asked the Captain as he slightly shrugged his shoulders, “Do you... still want to play?” 

The Captain blinked a moment. He hadn't really planned on holding the boy to his word, but since he was asking... “Sure.”

“Okay.” He smiled again, then fidgeted slightly before turning back around and swiftly shuffling inside.

Levi just sat there for a moment, continuing to stare towards the door Armin had disappeared into, then back up at the sky for one last look at the stars, before picking himself up and heading inside.

  


  
_(To be continued...)_

* * * * * *

 

_This highway's dark and empty_  
_Just miles and miles of endless road_  
_I've got a sickness pounding in my head_  
_I'm at the mercy of the ghost_

_What will it take to live_  
_As if I would not another day?_  
_To live without despair_  
_And to be without disdain_

_How can I instill such hope, but be left with none of my own?_  
_What if I could sing just one song that might save somebody's life?_

_I sought after reasons to stay_  
_I was lost_  
_I was lost_

_Then the sky turned black_  
_And the rains poured down_  
_I was waiting_  
_Waiting to be found_

_How can I instill such hope, but be left with none of my own?_  
_What if I could sing just one song and it might save somebody's life?_

_Then I would sing_  
_All that I could sing_  
_Because that's when I feel that I'm not just counting time_

_When I sing_  
_All that I could sing_  
_Maybe just for a moment, things would seem alright_

 

[City and Colour – Hope For Now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U5urd6Nziw)


	5. Snowfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **In this chapter:** Despite his cold and stoic demeanor, it seems even Levi has to open up once in a while. Once again, with the weight of a fragile dilemma that would cause hurt to someone other than himself if the wrong decision is made, he poignantly confides his fears to Hanji. Painful truths are revealed, and Armin's curiosity deepens. Many years ago, for the first time, meaningful words are spoken to the young man who would one day become the Captain of the Survey Corps, along with the sight of something new, called 'snow'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Finally, the new chapter is up! 
> 
> Sorry for the long wait! As you can probably see, there have been some changes! Check out the Authors Notes at the beginning of the story for more info! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your patience! One reason it took so long to finish this is, well, this chapter is pretty freakin' long, and it took me forever to proof. But at least I came back with plenty of reading material for you! There's even a special little Christmasy scene at the end for Levi's birthday. I hope you enjoy! :)
> 
> Ah yes, and one thing I would like to quickly mention, Armin and the others are going to be around 17-18 in this fic. I know they're technically supposed to be like 15, but honestly, I always kind of forget that. Because none of them really seem to look or act 15 (at least to me), and it kind of makes me feel a little bit weird for writing this fic. xD So, I know I said I wanted to make this as canon as possible, but I'm bending that rule a little bit and tweaking Armin's age to something I feel more comfortable with. Not passing judgement on anyone else or anything, and I'm certainly not going to tell anyone else how to ship their ship. You guys can argue about consent ages in different countries all you want, but I'd just prefer to completely take myself out of that argument and just change his age. xD So as far as this fic is concerned, and all my other shipping purposes, Armin is going to be at least 18.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of ___**

****

# ****S H A D O W S****

 

 

****

### **Chapter 4**

### Snowfall

 

****

****  


A cool mist blew through the thin air as the pair made their way to the bar on the cold winter night. A quaint place, it wasn't your typical dive. Generally laid back, never too crowded or rowdy, and with decent decor. For a small place in the downtown part of the district, it was nice. It was the only bar anyone could ever get the discerning Captain to go to.

Inside, the gentle lighting from the lanterns and the place fire warmed their bones. A calm waft of heat soaked through their coats as the casual muttering of conversations around them added to the ambiance. 

“Gosh! It feels like it's been so long!” Hanji said as they made their way across the hard wood floor to the bar, both tugging at their coats as they did so. 

“Yeah...” Levi said flatly as he pulled off his scarf and removed the heavy attire to place it on the back of the stool he chose. Hanji followed suit, sitting down nearby quite quickly, while Levi took a moment to check the seat of the stool for anything that could possibly be there that he might not want to sit on.

“Hey! Captain Levi!” The bartender, a tall young man with dark hair said as he walked up to his customers. “Good to see you back! How are you doing?”

“Fantastic.” The Captain said with offhanded sarcasm, though his dismissive tone did have a slightly friendly hint to it towards the familiar barkeep. “Just the usual.”

The man nodded, then said cheerfully, “I'll fix that right up for ya.” But first turned behind him to a stack of newspapers and grabbed one from the top. “Would you like a paper? You're in it.” 

Levi just shifted his eyes away uninterestedly.

“I'll take it.” Hanji said with a friendly expression, and the young man handed it to them.

As the bartender walked away to get their drinks, the researcher opened the newspaper to take a look at what had been printed that day. “Ah, there you are!” They said excitedly.

“Huh?” Levi mumbled as he looked over at them.

Hanji turned the paper around so that he could see, and there on the second page was the story of how the Survey Corps saved the town from a massive titan, with sketches of Historia, Levi and Erwin. “See?” They said with a grin. “Humanity's Hero!”

“Tch.” Levi scoffed as he leaned back in his chair and waved it off. “Get that out of my face.”  
Hanji knew full well how much Levi hated all the praise, but they pointed it out more with a sense of pride for him, rather than intentionally trying to be obnoxious. “Aw, come on. The sketch isn't _that_ bad.” 

“Yes it is. I look nothing like that.” He said with a scowl, though not entirely serious. “And Erwin's eyebrows are all wrong.” 

The researcher turned it around and took a closer look. “You're right.” They said. “They're far too small.”

“Here you go, Sirs.” The bartender said as he came back to them with two glasses, half-full with ice, along with a bottle of dark whiskey and filled them up. “Can I get you anything else?”

Levi just reached for his glass without so much as bothering to look up at the man.

Hanji took the liberty of answering him. “No, thank you.” They said, looking up at him with a kind smile. 

He nodded and smiled back before walking away to tend to the other patrons. As Levi picked up his glass and took a sip of his drink, Hanji leaned over the counter, resting a hand on their chin as they smiled slyly at the Captain. “Soooo...?”

Levi lowered his glass a bit from his lips as he stopped to look at them. “...What?”

“ _Tell-me_ about you and _Arm-in_.” They said, their words taking on a curious, nosy and drawn out tune as they spoke. 

“Kch...” Levi huffed as he turned away. “There's nothing to tell.” 

“Doesn't look like that from where _I'm_ standing.” 

“Then move down-wind.” He said and took another sip. 

“Oh, come on.” They wriggled a bit in their seat in anticipation. “How long have you and I been friends?” 

“ _'Friends'_ is a very strong word.”

“Pfft.” Hanji scoffed, playfully turning their head in offense as they leaned back. “Fine. I'll remember that the next time you run out of disinfectant.”

“Eh...” Levi waved them off, dismissing their annoying jokes, and just took another swig of his drink.

Hanji rattled their fingers on the table impatiently. “Alright then. I guess I'll just have to ask _Armin_ about it.”

The Captain put his glass down roughly, now nearly empty, as he let out a sharp, irritated breath and shook his head in frustration, looking around a moment before turning to them and saying, “It's _complicated._ ” Then stretched the next word he spoke to mock them, “Ooo- _kay_?”

“Ohh?” They asked, curiously raising an eyebrow. “What does _that_ mean?”

“It _means_ I don't wanna _talk_ to you about it, you nosy, four-eyed, stick in my ass.”

“Aww...” Hanji said with a smirk as they interlaced their fingers in front of them. “Did I mention how much I missed you?”

“Tch...” Levi scoffed before downing the rest of his drink. “Look.” He huffed. Hanji could tell the booze was beginning to effect him. Unlike most people, when Levi drank he never really did the typical things a drunk person would do, like slur their words or act stupid. It was much more subtle, and took a keen eye from someone who had known him for a while to see it. Really, it was one of the few circumstances where you might see Levi get more talkative than usual, or even be expressive. “I don't want to talk about it, alright? There's nothing to even talk about. Nothing is going on.” He reached up a hand to scratch his head with a flustered vigor. “Even if there was... I can't... And even if I _could_ , it's too soon...”

“Ahh...” Hanji said with an understanding nod and looked down at the ground.  
“You know, she hasn't even been dead four months...” He said, staring ahead as he spoke. “And I said I wouldn't do this again.”

Hanji kept their head tilted down towards the ground, but looked up at Levi and just quietly listened, almost as if to study his subtle annunciations. 

“I _said_ it, didn't I? I said I wouldn't do it. I _can't_. Remember?” He said turning to them, his eyes suddenly held a slight look of desperation for some kind of affirming words from his companion. 

They stared at him a moment, noting the alcohol was definitely starting to kick in. “I remember.”

“Yeah. You remember.” The usually stoic Captain said and turned away as he echoed his own words. “It's too soon.”

“So... you do have feelings for him?” 

“I said it's _too soon_.” He repeated again, as if that were a suitable answer for the question. “And...” The dark-haired man put a hand on his forehead as his body wavered a bit from the slight buzz he was starting to feel. “He's too young.”

“He's gonna be eighteen next month.” Hanji reminded him.

Levi put up a hand towards them annoyedly. “Don't encourage me.”

Hanji chuckled a bit under their breath. “Well, I don't know Armin all that well, but... he seems like a nice kid.” 

“Yeah. That's _another_ problem.” Levi said, starting to use his hands to talk in a way that was typically unusual for him, his eyes a bit wide with frustration as he tried to get his companion to understand. “He's _too_ nice. And I'm an _asshole_.”

“You're not an asshole... _all_ the time.” 

“Tch.” Levi scoffed. “Yes, I _am_.” 

“Oh, come on now. You were nice to Petra. You two were really sweet--” 

“No! Hanji. No, I wasn't!” He burst out, suddenly raising his voice as frustration and remorse started to spill out of him. “I _lied_ to her! She never knew me. She never knew anything _about_ me. I couldn't tell her the truth. All I could do was _lie_...” He dropped his head, burying his face in his hand. “And I just...” He trailed off, rubbing his slightly numb temple before muttering under his breath, “I'm such an asshole...” 

“Come on, Levi... Don't beat yourself up so much.” Hanji said as they leaned in and reached a hand out to touch their friends shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. 

But the Captain shrugged them off. “No. It's fucked up. You wanna know why?” He said and dropped his hand, staring down at what was now a glass of melting ice. “There's a really fucked up part of me that's actually relieved. That knew how it was probably going to end, and was counting on it...” 

Hanji just sat there quietly as they listened, a bit surprised by the things their companion was telling them, but in a sense they already knew. It was strange to hear it said out loud, though.

Levi let out a quiet sigh as he relaxed his shoulders. Perhaps the disclosure, no matter how terrible, seemed to lift some kind of weight off him. He looked down at his glass and picked it up as if he were going to take a drink, then stopped. Though he'd been staring at it, only just then did he seem to realize it was empty. He turned and eyed Hanji's glass, which they hadn't touched. “...Are you gonna drink that?”

The burgundy-haired researcher with the glasses reached over and willfully slid the drink over to their companion.

“Thanks...” Levi said as he grabbed the glass, taking a long swig before shifting his eyes back down and gently swirling the drink in front of him as he held it by his fingertips, “It's just that... she made me feel... _normal_...” He said as he stared into the transparent, deep brown liquid. “She made me feel like... maybe there was a _chance_ for me... A chance to have a decent life, even in the Survey Corps... Maybe even... a family...” 

Hanji blinked and looked down at the ground as they listened.

Levi shook his head. “Stupid...” He muttered under his breath, then took a sip from the glass Hanji had given him. “I guess it was a nice fantasy... for a while...” 

The researcher looked back up, taking a deep breath and exhaling through their nose with a look of empathy on their face. 

“I don't want to be like Erwin...” He continued. “But I guess I can't really blame him anymore, can I?” The Captain quietly took a drink before saying anything else. “I just don't want to hurt him...”

“...Erwin?” 

“No. Armin, you twit. Pay attention.” 

“Oh.” 

“You're right... He's a nice kid.” He lifted a hand and rubbed his forehead as he spoke. “And I... I don't wanna be the first person to break his heart...” Levi's demeanor was beginning to calm down and become more depressive, his body now sinking into itself as the toxins in his blood caused his muscles to relax. 

Hanji bent over the counter a bit and finally started to speak, a look of care and concern in their eyes as they tilted their head to the side. “You... really care about him a lot, don't you?” 

Levi dropped his head and held the side of his face in his hand where Hanji could no longer see his expression. “...I don't know what's wrong with me.” He said lowly, his voice starting to shake just slightly. “Why haven't you told me to shut up yet?”

“Well...” Hanji, trying their hardest to think of something to say that might help their distressed companion, leaned back in their chair. “Maybe... after some time has passed, things will be different.” 

“Huh...” Levi scoffed with a hint of a sarcastic laugh. “That's the thing about time. You never know when it's gonna fuck you in the ass.” He took another drink, already close to finishing his second glass of the night. “You think you've got something good, then something comes along and fucks it all up. How is it even worth it if you're just gonna end up getting fucked over? What's the goddamn point?” 

“I see...” Hanji said calmly. “So... if you wait... and he dies before you ever say anything... you'd be okay with that?”

Levi paused a moment as his somewhat drunk mind tried to ponder the question. “...No. I donno... Maybe...” He finally tried to answer with a painful uncertainty to his voice. “But... that would be fucked up.” Then took a large swig of his drink.

“Hmm.” The researcher gave a slight half smile as they looked down and shifted a bit in their chair. “Well... I wish I could tell you what the answer was.” They said as they looked back up at him. “Sounds like you're in quite the pickle.” 

“Fuck.” Levi said with a sharp exhale. “...I _hate_ pickles.” 

“Refills?” The bartender asked as they suddenly appeared in front of them. 

“Hit me.” 

The young man picked up the bottle under the counter and promptly filled their glasses, which still had a decent amount of ice in them, apparently unaware that Levi had drank them both. 

As the bartender walked away, Hanji felt the need to retort to their companions last comment. “Pickles are delicious.”

“No. Pickles are disgusting. Just eat a cucumber, for fucks sake.” 

Hanji chuckled a little, but Levi let out a sigh. 

“I don't know.” He said, looking back down at the counter. “Petra deserved better...” He frowned with disgust for himself. “Armin deserves better, too... I'm a piece of shit.”

Hanji lifted up their arms, stretching a bit as they put their hands behind their head, inhaling sharply as they did so. “ _Geez_ , you're depressing tonight...” They complained a little, but in truth was more than open to listening to Levi's woes, especially since it wasn't something that occurred very often. “...What exactly happened out there?”

Levi sighed again as he started to bring the newly filled glass up to his lips, “Things...” He said and went to take a drink, but paused a moment to glance over at them as he added with a sarcastic nod, “And stuff.” Then took a sip.

“Ahh...” Hanji said jokingly with a nod. “It all makes sense now.” 

“Tchuhh...” Levi let out something between a laugh and a scoff, an odd sound you would probably never hear come from him unless he'd been drinking. “Smart ass.” He said, then turned to his companion, giving them a sharp and direct look. “What about you? Feeling pretty good about yourself after what we did to Sanes?” 

Hanji huffed, suddenly squeezing their eyes shut and shaking their head vigorously with a deep frown, before finally reaching over and grabbing their glass, which had started out as Levi's. “I don't wanna talk about that.” They said before taking a drink. 

“That's what I thought.” Levi said and looked away, also sipping at his glass. “You know, I already knew you were a sick fuck. I just didn't know _how_ sick.” 

The researcher's eyes looked away as they shifted uncomfortably in their chair. 

“I guess you and I aren't so different after all.”

* * * * * *

The room bustled as the group gathered for dinner, alive with conversations and the clanking of dish ware as the young team members enjoyed their meal. The heat of the fire burned intensely, warding off the chilly wafts of air that seeped through the cracks of the old building. With the first day of their mission coming to a close, the young soldiers - unlike their Captain - were adjusting well to their new surroundings.

“Wow, this is really good, Historia!” Connie complimented as he looked across the table at her. “What did you put in it?”

Historia smiled warmly at him. “Thanks. It's all about the spices, really.” 

“You should cook _every_ night.” He said with a grin. “Seriously, I've never _had_ soup this good!”

“Heh.” Jean, who was sitting between Connie and Eren, snickered a bit under his breath as he nudged Eren with his elbow. “Looks like somebody's got a crush.”

But Connie could hear him just fine, and promptly jabbed the heel of his boot into Jean's toes. 

“Ow!”

As the group went on, the Captain suddenly walked through the outside door, only glancing briefly over at his subordinates before quickly disappearing into his room. The only one who seemed to notice was Armin, who paused when he caught his glance just momentarily, curiously continuing to stare at the door for a moment before bringing his attention back to the conversation around him.

 

An hour later, the group had finished dinner and preceded to gather up their trays and bowls. Eren kept the fire going as the others cleaned the dishes and disposed of left over food scraps (the one's that Sasha didn't volunteer to finish, anyway), then got ready for bed. 

As everyone settled down for the night, Eren and Armin sat together at the main table when the Captain finally came out of his room, slowly stepping out and brushing at his shirt, trying to flatten out the wrinkles in the fresh change of clothes he now had on. 

At the table, Armin had the paper chess set out along with a candle and a small bowl of melted wax, carefully dipping the bottoms of the pieces in it and setting them aside on a fresh piece of paper to dry. As Levi walked over, the blonde looked up and met his gaze with a friendly smile. 

“Hey, Captain.” He said. “Are you ready?”

Levi tilted his head to the side as he looked over whatever the two boys were doing and put a hand on his hip, then said with a bored, breathy huff, “Hmm... what the hell are you doing now...?”

“The pieces kept flying off every time someone walked by.” Eren explained, then looked over at Armin's hands, working carefully to make the pieces as usable as possible. “Armin thought this would help weigh them down. Pretty clever, huh?”

“Huh... You kids and your arts-and-crafts.” Levi said, stepping closer to them. “But you know, you're using up our provisions...” 

Armin looked up at the Captain, a bit of an embarrassed blush gracing his face. “Uh... sorry.” He said. “It was just one candle...”

The older soldier shook his head and sighed. “It's fine.” 

“Hey, Captain.” Eren said, looking up at Levi with a wide grin as the man took a seat across from them. “Did you see that big owl earlier?” 

“...No.” He replied as he slouched back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest as he listened to Eren and waited for Armin to finish.

“It was huge!” The brunette exclaimed. “It was like this.” Then stretched his arms all the way out on either side of him to demonstrate. “And it was loud, too!” 

“I see...” Levi said with a yawn.

“Maybe it was a _Titan_ owl...” Armin said jokingly as he worked.

“Heh...” The Captain smirked a bit at the comment. “It was probably an Eagle Owl.” His voice seemed calm and tired. “Or a Great Grey...” 

“How do you know that?” Armin asked, looking up from what he was doing for a moment.

“...I like birds.” He said with a slight shrug.

“Yeah, well... whatever it was, Sasha wanted to eat it...” Eren said, putting his arms down, and his face changing to an unimpressed look as he spoke. “I told her it would probably eat _her_ before she got a chance.”

“Eren...” Levi said, leaning forward and resting his chin on one hand against the table, then motioned the fingers of his other hand, waving the young brunette away as he mouthed, “ _Go to bed._ ”

“Alright, alright...” Eren said, then stood up from the table and headed towards the stairs, ruffling Armin's hair as he walked past him. “Night, Armin.”

“Ay!” Armin complained and brought his hand up to fix it. 

“Ha ha.” Eren laughed playfully, then glanced back briefly. “Night, Captain.” 

“Mmm hmm...” 

“Night, Eren.” Armin said, but was too focused on finishing his little project to look up at him.

Levi rested his chin in his palm, waiting patiently as he watched Armin dip the last few pieces in the wax and set them aside to dry. 

“There!” The blonde said, wriggling his fingers excitedly as he looked them over. “All done.”

“Ready?”

“Oh! Wait. Just one more thing.” Armin got up and went over to the fireplace, pouring them each a cup of tea before bring them over and handing one to the Captain. “Here.”

“Ahh.” Levi said in appreciation as he took the cup. “You read my mind.”

“Ha ha.” Armin smiled as he went to sit back down across from him, setting the candle and bowl of remaining wax aside before quickly starting to put the pieces in their place.

Levi looked up at him as he worked, noticing the simple joy the boy seemed to carry having succeeded in his little project. The older soldier couldn't remember the last time he found such joy in something so small. 

“There.” Armin said when he was done, then looked up at the Captain. “Wanna go first?” 

The dark-haired man looked down at the board and silently moved one of his pawns. 

The two took their first few turns quickly in relative silence.

“...You're right about the candle wax.” Levi said through the quiet. “This is much better.” 

“See?” Armin said with a proud smile. “Not a bad use of a candle.”

“Yeah.” The Captain agreed. “Not bad...” He picked one up momentarily to examine it. “They'll fall apart eventually, though...” Then said ponderously, “Maybe we can find something... more durable.” 

“Mmm.” Armin nodded, but didn't really know what they could possibly use that they had available to them. He didn't think too much about it though. After all, he had a game to focus on.

It got quiet again as they continued, their turns lingering on longer with each one as the game went on. 

This time it was Levi's stomach that broke the silence.

He put a hand over his midsection as a low growl rumbled from his gut, and murmured in annoyance.

Armin looked up at him and blinked concernedly. “...Did you eat, Captain?”

“No.” He said, still looking down at the board. “I'm not hungry.”

“Doesn't sound like it.”

“I don't want anything.” 

“Well...” The blonde said, his voice a bit timid, but also firm. “You should eat _something_...” 

Levi grumbled under his breath as he tried to ignore him.

“I mean...” Armin continued. “Don't you know not eating enough can make you tired, irritable, impair your judgment, and even make it hard to sleep?” 

The Captain looked up at him and blinked. “...Is that so?”

“Yup.”

Appearing to dismiss his argument, Levi just looked back down and took his turn.

“Captain...” Armin said after a moment. “You sure you're okay?” 

“I said I'm _fine_...” He groaned, getting a bit annoyed. “Why are you so concerned about me?” 

“Oh... I'm concerned about everybody...” The blonde said, looking down a bit sheepishly. “Sorry... force of habit, I guess...” He then shifted his eyes up towards the Captain. “It's just that... you're not eating... and well... you look... _exhausted_.” 

Levi shifted his eyes up at him and sighed. “I always look like this...” He said dismissively. “I don't sleep much.”

“Ah... I see...” Armin acknowledged. “Well, all the more reason for you to eat...” He moved his hand to grab a leftover loaf of bread that sat on a plate next to him and reached it out towards the Captain. “Here.”

“I _said_ I'm not _hungry_...” Levi furrowed his brow, starting to get rather frustrated with the boy's persistence. 

“Captain...”

“ _Shut up._ ” He finally snapped harshly, his eyes staring him down with a piercing intensity.

Armin froze tensely for a moment from the Captain's sharp stare and voice, but his arm remained outstretched, as he blinked and shifted his eyes away momentarily before looking back with apparently an even greater sense of resolve. “...I'm sorry, Sir.” The blonde said apologetically, yet with a somewhat stern voice. “But you're our _leader_. It's more important for you to take care of yourself than anyone... So...” He paused, his tone backing off a little. “Please eat the bread.” 

Levi's eyebrow twitched, still annoyed but surprised that the young man still had the gal to pester him like this. He looked down at the bread, wrinkling his nose at it with distrust. “...Where'd _that_ come from?”

Armin blinked back at him, a bit confused at the odd question, and shrugged, “...The kitchen?”

The Captain just looked up at him with a blank expression.

“...It was mine. I was gonna eat it, but...” The young soldier explained. “I ate a lot of soup, so...”

Levi just continued to stare at him.

“...I didn't spit on it or anything.”

The annoyed squad leader huffed, then finally gave in to his subordinates request. “Alright, fine. I'll eat the damn bread.” He said and snatched it out of the blonde's hand.

Armin relaxed a bit as he pulled back his arm and exhaled, relieved that Levi had relented instead of chewing him a new one. He looked down at the board, realizing he may have overstepped his boundaries a bit. But still, he felt it was important enough to risk it. 

Levi leaned back in his chair, reluctantly tearing off a small piece with two fingers and tossing it in his mouth. “Take your turn.”

“A-alright...” The young man said, now slipping back into his usual passive demeanor, and once again finding himself feeling a bit awkward in the Captain's presence.

“Uhh... y-you know...” He said after a moment, trying to break the uneasiness. “I hear chamomile tea is good for sleep...” 

“It is.” Levi confirmed the statement. His tone, though not as coarse as before, still sounded annoyed. “But we don't have any here.”

“Oh...” 

The two fell into silence again for a while as they continued their game. Armin had come to a loss for anything else to say, and he worried that if he tried too hard he might annoy the Captain even further. So he just sat there quietly and took his turn, then waited for Levi to do the same.

Just as Armin was starting to get used to the quiet, he was surprised when the somber man across from him began to speak.

“When I was your age...” He started, his voice - though now softer than before - still seemed louder than it should be in the near-empty room. “We played a game like this. Only it was simpler. And we used rocks.”

“...Checkers?”

“That was it.” He said. “But we just called it 'rocks'.”

Armin chuckled a bit, then as a natural progression of the conversation asked, “What district did you grow up in?” 

Levi didn't answer him. He just kept his eyes down at the board as he reached his hand over and moved one of his pieces. 

“Oh... wait...” Armin's expression changed as he remembered something Eren had told him. “You're from the Underground.” 

As the squad leader brought his hand back up, he interlaced it with the other under his chin, but didn't lift his eyes. “...That's right.” 

A moment of silence passed between them as Armin lowered his gaze. He found himself sitting with a nagging curiosity. He'd always been interested in learning more about the Underground. A place, hidden away from the rest of humanity; full of people that practically nobody even knew existed. He'd never actually met someone from the Underground until now – and how would he? Given that so few were allowed to leave. 

It was almost like a legend. A fascinating, if horrifying one to think about. It was something he found nobody ever wanted to talk about either; that nobody in the surface world really seemed to want to acknowledge. The questions in his head whirled around so strongly that he didn't really even think about it when he started to ask, “Captain... what's it like down there?”

Levi looked up, his brow slightly furrowed. 

“I...” Armin tensed a bit at the Captain's sharp look. “I'm just curious...” 

The older soldier turned his eyes back down and waited a moment before answering him. “Well...” He said quietly, lightly rubbing his knuckles on his chin, his voice sounding low and distant. “It's dark.” He said and paused. “And damp...” Another pause. “And filthy...” 

“I see...” Armin looked up at him briefly as he listened to the Captain's short answer, then his eyes shifted back down and to the side. “That must have been hard, living down there...” 

“Well, it wasn't _easy._..” Levi said semi-sarcastically, his tone clearly showing he didn't care much for the conversation at hand.

Armin was beginning to wonder why it felt like every time he tried to talk to the Captain he wound up saying the wrong thing. Feeling uneasy, he decided that it probably wasn't the best idea to prod into his superior's life. “Well...” He said coyly. “I'm glad you were able to get out of there...”

Levi blinked as he looked over at the blonde. His expression seemed to soften, and after a moment finally said with a slight hint of appreciation in his voice, “Yeah...” He looked down, his voice becoming rather quiet. “Me too...” 

The room fell into an uneasy silence. They both just stared down at the game board, though neither seemed intent on taking their turn. Armin had flat out forgotten who's turn it was. He was hoping that it was the Captain's, because for the moment he felt too flustered to think. 

The young man wrung his hands together under the table. A few moments passed, and he could feel Levi's eyes on him, staring him down. He looked back up and blinked, not sure how to react to the strange gaze.

“...W-what is it?” The blonde asked coyly.

Levi shifted in his chair and rested his chin in his hand, his eyes narrow and penetrating as he continued to stare directly at him. “...You really wanna know?” 

“Uh... know what?” Armin asked, feeling a bit uneasy. 

“About the Underground.” 

“Oh...” The blonde said and rose his head just slightly, a meek smile forming on his face. “Well... if you don't mind...”

Perhaps it was because nobody ever really bothered to ask him about the Underground. Most people seemed to just pass judgment on him for the unforgivable crime of having been born there. Or maybe deep down he just wanted someone to talk to. But Levi leaned back in his chair, putting a hand on his hip and resting the other on his thigh, then looked down at the board as he began to speak about his experience. “Well...” He started, but paused a moment before continuing. “...The houses... are made of clay and wood. The roads aren't paved... so there's dirt on everything. And the air stinks of dust and garbage... among... other things...” The veteran soldier lowered his head a bit more with a brief pause as he imagined that world in his mind. He could still picture the place perfectly, despite it having been so very long ago since his eyes laid witness to the dilapidated world he left behind. The dark-haired man swallowed and cleared his throat, lightly scratching his chest through his shirt just under his collarbones before he continued.

“It's nasty.” Levi said plainly, frowning in disgust. “And dangerous.” He looked up at Armin for a moment. “There are criminals and scumbags everywhere. You can't go anywhere alone because somebody will always find something they want from you. There's not enough food and you're lucky if what you get's not rotten. Also, the water tastes like shit.”

“Ew...” Armin said, almost unconsciously. 

“Yeah.” He said and looked back down a moment, before lifting his head up and shifting his eyes towards the ceiling, as if he could see something other than the wood beams and panels that made up the interior of the roof. “Try to imagine... Armin...” He continued. “Living in a place where you never got to see the sun or the stars...” The older man said reflectively as he let his memories drive his words. “You can't look outside your window and see whether it's day or night. All you see is black, all the time... ” 

Armin quietly sat across the table, intently listening to what the Captain was saying to him.

The dark-haired, veteran soldier lowered his head, looking back down at the table, his eyes appearing glassier and more distant with each word he spoke as his mind traveled somewhere else. 

“When you... walk down the street... ” He paused with his lips slightly parted, exhaling shallowly as he tried to find the words. “Especially in the rougher part of town... there's people... all over the streets... just sitting there. Or laying there. Sick or starving or just with nowhere else to go...” He pressed his lips together a moment and blinked as he continued to stare down at the table. “Sometimes you couldn't tell if someone was alive or dead... and... nobody cared. If someone collapsed... people just stepped around them or over them. Nobody gave a second glance, not until it started to stink. Sometimes the Military Police would come along and clear out the bodies, but... not often enough. And even when they did, they just dumped them in the garbage heap to rot... like they were trash...” 

“Geez...” Armin said in response. He'd leaned in closer without even realizing it as he listened, edging over the table a bit as if to hear the Captain's words clearer. “That sounds awful...” 

“...It was.” Levi said and lowered his eyes. “But...” His expression now soft and tired looking as his face relaxed with the thoughts that came to him. “My par...” He stopped himself and his tone became quieter. “My friend... _friends_...” He blinked a moment as he reminisced. “We had this place we used to go to. It was this big sinkhole. We'd go there and see the sun shining through. Sometimes we could even see the stars at night. It was the only place you could go where you could smell the fresh air from the surface... One time we even saw it snowing...” He stopped, his voice now barely a whisper. His eyes were suddenly filled with some kind of deep ache. The Captain brought a hand up and slowly ran his fingers through his dark hair. “Well... it doesn't really matter now...”

“...Hmm?” Armin hummed curiously, completely engrossed in his superiors poignant words. 

Levi put his hand over his face and sort of snickered at himself. “I'm sorry.” He said, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “I don't know why I'm telling you this...”

The blonde blinked as he looked up at him, then gave him a shy smile. “I-I don't mind.”

The weary older soldier just looked over to his tea next to him and reached over to pick it up. As he quietly sipped at the small cup, a lingering moment of silence came over them with a delicate calm as Armin soaked in the Captain's fragmented story. He didn't quite know what to say to him now, and still had so many questions he wanted to ask. There was still so much he wanted to know, and hoped the tried older man across from him would continue on his own, as he didn't quite feel it was his place to ask the things that were on his mind.

But Levi was silent as he lowered his eyes. A bit tense, he found himself feeling somewhat vulnerable at the moment, and not knowing quite what to do with the uncomfortable feeling. He didn't usually talk to people about his past. He wasn't even sure why he was right now. And he wished the young blonde would take his eyes off of him. 

The Captain finally shook his head, “Tch...” He scoffed, more to himself than at Armin, as he looked off to his left. “I need sleep.” 

“...You're done?” Armin said, a bit disappointed.

“I'm sure we'll finish a game one of these days...” Levi said as he leaned back in his chair, though he knew that wasn't really what Armin was referring to. But he was done talking. And perhaps preferred to forget that the conversation they just had had taken place.

“Alright.” The young blonde said with a kind smile as he started to stand from his chair. “Well... you go on to bed then. I'll put this away.” 

“Ah... you giving orders now?” The Captain said, finally looking at him.

The young man's smile began to fade. “Oh... I-I just thought...”

“Armin...” Levi said, waving a hand at him. “Take a joke.”

“Ah... ha ha... right...” He said sheepishly as the squad leader stood up from his chair, placing his weight on the table with one hand as he did so. 

“Umm...” 

Levi paused as he turned and placed his hand on the back of his chair, lifting his eyes to look across the table at the young man. 

“I hope you sleep well tonight...” The blonde said thoughtfully, his bright blue eyes looking up at him with genuine compassion.

“...Thanks.” Levi said, pushing in his seat, and added, “You too...” Before turning to leave for his room.

Armin stood there, his head pointed down at the table, but his eyes lingered on the Captain's bedroom door as he thought about all the things his squad leader had told him that night. Even though it didn't seem like much, coming from Levi – a man Armin understood was known for his emotional reservations - it was a lot. And he was surprised that he had shared these things with him, no matter how brief. It caused the young soldiers thoughts to churn with the images it brought to his mind. 

As he stood there, solemnly, he wondered about all the horrors the Captain must have bore witness to during his life - and what other secrets were hiding in his past.

* * * * * *

“Come on!” Farlan shouted behind him to his companion as he made his way up the dirt path away from the burning lanterns of the city below. “We gotta hurry or we might miss it!”

“Hang on, geez.” Levi said a bit flusteredly, holding his scarf around his face as the cold air whisked by from above. “What are we doing out here? It's fucking freezing.”

“You'll see.” The tall man with the feathery, platinum hair replied with a wide grin. “It's a surprise.”

“Joy.” The shorter, dark-haired young man huffed sarcastically as he moved closer, huddling his arms around himself in an attempt to keep warm. 

“You'll love it. I promise.” 

As the two made their way up the subterranean hillside, and the lights from the city below faded into dark, they came to the place where they always went to. The one place where they could look out from their hellish prison and glimpse at a world they could only imagine. 

“Ah, see? We're in luck!” He said, excitedly running up towards the sinkhole above, a puncture in the earth where they came to see this mysterious thing called the 'sky'. But this time, something was different. A flurry of white particles drifted down from the opening, the wind gently whipping them a bit with a light winter breeze, and gathering on the ground below, leaving a large white circle where grass and dirt used to be.

Levi stopped and stared at the strange sight, his eyes wide with both curiosity and uncertainty as he slowly lowered his scarf from his face just a bit. “...What is that?”

“It's snow, silly.” Farlan said with a grin as he turned back to him a moment. “Come look!” Then swiftly walked up to it with an eager bounce in his step. 

His hesitant companion slowly followed behind him - apprehensive, but completely mystified – then watched as Farlan walked into the gentle blizzard.

“Don't _step_ in it.” Levi said, a subtle look of fear and concern in his voice and face.

The soft-eyed blonde chuckled a bit as he looked back and outstretched an arm towards him. “Come on, get in here.” 

Levi blinked as he slowly continued to step closer, his eyes traveling up, then back down as he studied this new act of nature he'd never seen before, and watched the flakes of strange white powder-like pieces catch to Farlan's hair and clothes. 

He looked at his companion again, still unsure, but wanting to trust. The blonde smiled back at him, moving his fingers to gesture Levi to come closer. “It won't hurt you, I promise.”

The dark-haired confounded young man reached a hand into the tiny slurry, watching as a few flakes landed on his glove and soon disappeared like magic. “...Weird.” 

“Give me your hand.” 

Levi looked at him, then hesitated a moment before taking the hand offered and letting him lead him under the snowfall. His eyes fell in surprise as he heard and felt the snowy blanket crunch under his feet while he stepped towards his companion, the flakes from the sky peppering his clothes and raven hair. Again, he was taken by the way they seemed to suddenly vanish the moment they touched Farlan's skin. The young man looked up, squinting his eyes a bit as he watched the tiny white flurries, seeming to appear out of nothing through the deep blue-gray sky, and felt their momentary chill as they landed on his face. He brought a hand up and touched his cheek, looking at the wet remnants on the tips of his glove. 

“It's water...” Levi said curiously.

“That's right.” Farlan gave an amused, but kind chuckle as he watched him. “It's ice.”

“Ice... falling out of the sky?”

“Yup.” Farlan nodded and smiled. “It's so cold out it's freezing the rain.”

Levi looked up again, raising his hand a bit higher as he let the small flakes land against his palm. “Wow...” 

The blonde's smile got wider, delighted by the look of amazement on the usually stoic young man's face. “Do you like it?”

“It's... cold.” Levi said a bit flatly. “And wet.” But Farlan could tell by the sheer look of wonder in his companion's eyes, as he looked up at the snow falling from the sky, that there was much more going on behind those simple words.

The blonde stepped closer to his companion, a soft smile still gracing his face as he reached down and took Levi's hand, gently caressing it with his thumb. “I knew you'd like it.”

Levi looked back at him. His deep steel-blue eyes had come alive, shining with a spark Farlan had never seen quite like this before. 

They were gorgeous. His partner was truly a rare beauty when he allowed himself to shine through the stoic wall he put up around himself. 

“It's nice...” Levi said finally, bringing his arm down and glancing up at the taller man as he flashed him a look of genuine appreciation. “Thank you.”

Farlan nodded as he put his hands on either side of Levi's shoulders, gently rubbing his hands up and down them, affectionately massaging and trying to keep him warm. He leaned in and kissed the dark-haired vision's forehead, then placed a hand on his cheek as he pulled back, looking into his young lover's eyes as he spoke, “I love you.”

Levi blinked as his eyes shifted between each of Farlan's, his pupils appearing to slightly dilate at the man's meaningful words. The wonder in his eyes now mixed with a look of surprise and sentiment. “...You do?”

“Yeah.” Farlan said quietly with a soft breath. His eyes were the kindest and most gentle the young man had ever seen. There was a warmth and tenderness there that melted the heart of the quiet dark-haired loner. It was something that made him weak, but a weakness that didn't cause him to fear. 

The tall blonde leaned in and kissed him. Levi's eyes fluttered shut as he relaxed into the gentle touch, reaching up and resting his hands on Farlan's chest. The heat from his partner's soft lips were a cherished contrast to the cold air that nipped across his skin. As the two separated, Levi looked up at him with a soft gaze, his lips remaining slightly parted as Farlan watched the gentle snowflakes continue to fall onto his smooth, pale skin and shimmering black hair. 

“I...” Levi hesitated a moment, then a gentle and meek smile began to form across the young man's face. “I love you, too...” He said quietly.

Farlan gave him a wide, joyful smile before wrapping his arms around the shorter man and warmly pulling him to his chest. Squeezing him lovingly, but not too tight, and said...

  
_“Happy birthday, Levi.”_

  
_(To be continued...)_

* * * * * *

 

_We're walking in the air_  
_We're floating in the moonlit sky_  
_The people far below are sleeping as we fly_

_We're holding very tight_  
_I'm riding in the midnight blue_  
_I'm finding I can fly so high above with you_

_Far across the world_  
_The villages go by like dreams_  
_The rivers and the hills_  
_The forests and the streams_

_Children gaze_  
_Open mouthed_  
_Taken by surprise_

_Nobody_  
_Down below_  
_Believes their eyes_

_We're surfing in the air_  
_We're swimming in the frozen sky_  
_We're drifting over icy mountains floating by_

_Suddenly_  
_Swooping low_  
_On an ocean deep_

_Rising up_  
_A mighty monster_  
_From it's sleep_

_We're walking in the air_  
_We're dancing in the midnight sky_  
_And everyone who sees us greets us as we fly_

  
[Chloe - Walking in the Air](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3hpIUSjU8E)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to our dear Levi! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday! :D


	6. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **In this chapter:** Guilt and regret - two things that could make or break a man. But even the strongest men can make mistakes in their deepest moments of grief. The pain of loss is not something that can be erased, only numbed. A downward spiral threatens those who cannot carry their remorse out of it's deadly coil. Friends can make carrying that pain easier, but only if one is willing to let them in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look who finally updated their fanfiction! Sorry it's taken me so long to get this chapter done... I had a lot going on for a while, and also I've been just plain stuck as well. But I spent some time organizing my notes and putting things in order... So hopefully things will be moving a bit smoother from now on... I just hope someone is still interested in reading this fic despite the fact that the last chapter was posted... what... six months ago? xD Damn. 
> 
> Well! Great art takes time, right? Okay, I donno if this qualifies as _"great art_ ", but I like to think it is because I'm like Levi and I like to pretend I'm fancy despite the fact that I'm just shippy shippy Rivarmin trash. *snorts*
> 
> What I'm trying to say is I would half-ass it a lot more to make it go faster, but I just can't do that. I can't post something unless I'm at least... 98% satisfied with it. And even then I obsess over every little detail and... ugh. It's kind of annoying. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! I promise the next one will be out a lot quicker this time. xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of ___**

****

# ****S H A D O W S****

 

 

****

### **Chapter 5**

### Lost

 

****

****  


Out in the street, the people were holding a vigil in the square for those who had died in the last operation. Slender fingers carried a wooden stick from candle to candle, lighting the many that had been placed there to represent the fallen, all protected by a canopy overhead.

It had been raining all morning. 

“...Lost.” 

“What?” 

“She's lost...” Levi muttered quietly. “I haven't seen her since we got back...” 

The soldier watched the mourners from the window of Hanji's flat, several stories up in the Science and Research building of the military headquarters. You could see blocks away from there. Except for the raindrops that splattered against the glass, tapping rhythmically in an ambient song and streaming down the transparent surface, obscuring his view. 

“Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up.” Hanji said, looking up from a sizzling stove. “How's your head?” 

“Fantastic.” Levi replied flatly. 

The researcher smirked as they shook some pepper into the pan, “How bad is it?” 

He turned away from the window, looking over at them with tired eyes. “I feel like I got hit by a train.” 

“Ha ha.” Hanji laughed. “Can't say I'm surprised, the way you guzzled that whiskey.” 

“Tch...” Levi scoffed, and looked away. 

“I'm not kidding. You really spilled your guts last night.” 

“No... Did I?” He said, genuinely in denial of such a thing. 

“Yup.” 

“...No.” 

“Yup.”

“Really?”

“Yessir.”

“Geez...” He took a deep breath before taking a sip of his tea. “...How much did I tell you?”

“If I say, you'll just deny it.” Hanji replied.

He sipped his tea and sighed again. “...That bad, huh?”

“'Fraid so.”

“Wonderful...”

“Don't worry.” They said, then put their forefinger and thumb together, gesturing by running them across their lips. “My lips are sealed. Your secrets are safe with me.”

“Yeah...” Levi said, clearly not pleased with himself, but as he looked up towards Hanji, his eyes shown an aura of trust in them that his words would not express. “Thanks, I guess...”

“Anyway, don't worry about that. Here, come eat.”

Levi stepped over to the table, where a fresh pair of fried eggs were waiting for him. When he laid his eyes on them, he sneered in disgust. “...You did that thing I hate.”

“What?”

“They're brown.”

“They're just a _little_ brown.”

“They're _brown_ , Hanji. Do you know what that does? It makes this gross rubbery skin on them that you can't chew. It's like trying to eat snake sheddings.” His eyes shifted upwards to his companion, where they sat on the other side of the table with a plate full of overcooked eggs and gave them a nasty glare. “It's _disgusting_. You _need_ to cook your eggs on a lower _temperature_ , Hanji.”

“Actually, snake shedding are quite crispy.” The researcher said, smirking and stuffing their mouth with a fork full of eggs. “They melt in your mouth, actually.”

Levi's face suddenly contorted in intense disgust. “Ugh...!” Was all he could manage to vocalize as his throat closed to keep him from vomiting.

“What? It's just skin.”

“Ughh, God...” The Captain coughed, shaking his head as he threw his hand in the air and spun around, squeezing his eyes shut. “What the _fuck_ , Hanji...”

“Hunnhuhuh...” Hanji couldn't help but laugh. 

 

“It sure is raining hard...” Back at the mess hall, Armin was looking out from the deck, watching the pounding weather flood the open training yard before breakfast.

“Again?” Eren said as he came out to join his friend with his arms stretched behind his head. “Seems like it's been raining a lot since we got back...”

“Yeah... it does...” Armin said, looking up at the sky. “I wonder if it has something to do with all that steam being released into the atmosphere...?”

“Huh?” Eren said looking over at him. “Why would that have anything to do with the weather?”

The blonde looked back at his friend. “Well, because of all the moisture. You know, precipitation.”

“Participation?”

“No. Precipitation. It's when moisture gathers in the clouds and creates rain.”

“Ahh... yeah...” Eren said, scratching the back of his neck as Mikasa and Jean came out of the mess hall doors behind them and joined them on the porch. “What's that...?”

“When moisture goes into the air, it collects in clouds and causes rain. Even I know this Jeager.” Jean said with a scoff, having overheard their conversation.

“That's what I said...” Armin huffed tiredly.

“Well, sorry I don't always have my head in the clouds like you do.” Eren said, glaring up at Jean.

Armin leaned his elbows against the porch railing and rested his chin in his palm, staring off into the distance as his thoughts began to wonder and the chattering behind him faded from his consciousness. He felt his heart beat a little faster and a few stray butterflies fluttered around his stomach as the thought of someone else crossed his mind... 

 

“I'm out.”

“Leaving so soon?” Hanji called back to Levi, who was putting on his coat by the door.

“I gotta get back to my flat and find a clean change of clothes...” He said as he began to slip his legs into his boots. “...And wash off your couch.”

“Hey, my couch is clean.”

“Yeah, right.”

“By the way.” Hanji peered out from behind the corner. “You look like shit.”

“Tch...” He scoffed annoyedly, standing up straight and lazily trying to brush himself off. “And?”

“Oh... I just thought I'd let you know...” Hanji said nonchalantly, with a toothy smirk. “You know, in case you run into a... certain someone...”

“Tchhh...” Levi scoffed louder, in a gruff, tired tone. “Just don't talk to me anymore.”

“Love you too, darling.” Hanji joked, laughing a bit in their throat. “See ya later.”

“Yeah... see ya. Nasty.” He called back before stepping out and shutting the door behind him.

The rain continued to come down, soaking Levi as he made his way to the Special Units Building, trying to stay under the cover of the outdoor corridors, which were lined with archways and pillars. After going inside, he made his way to a plain looking door in a hallway filled with many others. The hall was graced with dark maroon wallpaper and deep brown wood panels. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door.

Levi sighed as he looked around his private quarters. It was a small, modest flat - but it was quiet and clean. Just one room, a combined kitchen, bedroom and living space, with the bed all the way in back, and a couch and small kitchen area towards the front. A single door at the back left led to a bathroom, and the one at the front was a closet. It wasn't much, but it was everything he needed.

He turned to look down at the foot of the bed, narrowing his eyes in disappointment at what he didn't see. Then they drifted to the open window, where nothing but a light breeze trickled through the three-inch opening. He was wishing something else would appear within it's steel frame.

As he prepared his morning tea, he wondered over to a very special, large wooden box placed very particularly in the center of the east wall. He unlatched the old casing and lifted up the top, revealing the glistening brass horn of an antique phonograph. A piece of technology usually limited to the nobles and government-types.

Levi had received it as a gift.

The Captain began to gently churn the crank with one hand before unlocking the turntable with the other. He took his hand off the crank and the turntable continued to spin. Then reached up, taking the stylus between two fingers and delicately lowering it onto the spinning record until the scratching sound told him it was playing. The machine clattered and hummed with age - but then, from its shining brass horn, something beautiful began to emit.

A powerful male voice belted out a sweet melody, aided by the sounds of violins, cellos, french horns, and bass drums. It was a recording of an opera.

Levi tilted his head back and closed his eyes as he listened, his lips gently moving as he began to sing along. He didn't recognize or understand the language it was in, but he'd memorized every sound and syllable. No matter how many time's he'd heard it, the music had the power to take him away. Far away. Somewhere better than here.

He was still surrounded by items that did not belong to him.

 

* * * * * *

 

“Good grief...” Armin muttered. “You're doing it again...”

“What?” Eren said, lifting a bag of horse feed and carrying it into the stable. “We're just feeding the horses. It's no big deal...”

“Eren...” Armin said, watching his friend with eyes that knew better as he followed him inside. The brunette, he could tell, was worn out from a long day of experimentation and exorcises, but he seemed intent on doing everything he could, despite his exhaustion. “I can do this myself, you know... You don't have to help.”

“It's no big deal, Armin.” Eren said again, giving him a friendly, but somewhat forced smile as he sat the bag down on a crate. “I'm fine.”

“Eren...” The blonde repeated. “If you push yourself too hard, you'll never learn to harden...”

“It's fine, Armin...” He said as he opened up the bag and grabbed a large scoop, portioning out the grain into the smaller feed bags. “Besides, I figured you'd need help lifting the bags.”

Armin's pale blue eyes shifted down to the side as he let out a light sigh, unable to argue. He cursed his body for being so weak. “Yeah, well... I can do the rest.”

Eren reached over and handed him a full feed bag. “Here.”

The blonde sighed again as he took the bag and headed towards one of the horses.

“So.” Eren said, looking over his shoulder with a curious smile. “How's your chess games with the Captain going?”

“Huh? Ohh... They're, uh... They're fine.” Armin answered, tripping over his words a bit.

“Is he good?”

“He's pretty good, yeah.” He said. “We haven't finished a game yet, so...”

“Sounds like you're pretty evenly matched.”

“Yeah...”

The two fell silent for a moment as they continued to work, Eren filling the bags and Armin giving them to the horses.

“Hey... Eren?” Armin said slowly, a timid hesitation in his voice.

“Yeah?”

“Has he ever...” He started to ask slowly. “Has he ever said anything to you about the Underground?”

“Huh?” The brunette stopped and looked over his shoulder at Armin. “...What do you mean?”

“Last night when we were playing chess...” The blonde replied, turning more towards Eren. “We got on the subject...”

“Really?” Eren said in curious surprise, turning his body to face Armin as well. “What did he say?”

“Not much... Mostly just general statements... But it sounds like it's just as bad as the stories say...”

“...Really?” The brunette said again. “...He said that?”

“Yeah.” Armin nodded, then his eyes drifted to the ground. “He said... people were starving and dying on the streets... And it doesn't sound like the Military Police really do anything... People are just... living in squalor... and...” The blonde wrapped his arms across his chest, holding himself in the discomfort of his thoughts. His voice seemed to get slightly upset as he spoke. “...They're just... stuck down there? I mean... they're not even legally citizens, right? What sense does that make?”

Eren looked away, surprised less by what Armin was telling him, and more that the Captain had said anything about it at all. “Yeah...” He answered after a moment. “It's pretty messed up.”

“I always hoped those things we heard were kind of exaggerated...” Armin continued, having been feeling a bit disturbed since last night. “I can't believe we do that to people...”

The brunette turned his head and looked down at Armin's feet. “Yeah...” Then, after a moment, turned back and continued his work. “...He never talked to me about anything like that. All I knew was what Petra told me, and even she didn't know much...” He paused a moment as he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Aw... shit...”

“Eren!” Armin said, stepping close to him when he saw the blood and grabbing his arm. “You're bleeding again. Please, Eren, you need to rest!”

“It's just a _little_ blood... I'm fine.”

Armin grabbed a clean cloth from the cabinet near by and held it to Eren's face. “It's not just a _little blood_. You need to be careful.”

“Okay, okay... I'll go lay down.” Eren said, taking the cloth from Armin. “After we're done in here, okay?”

The blonde made a dissatisfied and worried face as he dropped his hands and let Eren wipe the blood from his nose.

Eren took a deep breath, then smiled painfully to himself as he spoke, “You know... they were going to get married... Did you know that...?”

Armin looked up at Eren and blinked. “Eren...” He said, his voice soft and his expression one of sympathy and compassion. “It's not your fault...”

“But I could have...” He said, breathing sharply as he spoke, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “If I just... I just...”

“Stop it.” Armin said, in a stern plea. “Eren, please... Now you're stressing yourself out on top of it... This isn't good for you, you know...” He said with care and concern for his childhood friend. “Beating yourself up isn't gonna help anybody...”

Eren hung his head a moment, pausing as he swallowed down the tears that were trying to emerge. “...You're right. Of course you're right...” He mumbled, but it was evident from his tone that he was far from ready to forgive himself.

“I know the Captain doesn't blame you...” Armin tried to be reassuring.

“I know... I know that... but...” Eren muttered, continuing to stare downward. “I still... I can't just...” Eren sniffed hard, then straightened himself out, shook off his guilt, turned around, and continued to do his work.

“...Eren...”

“...Don't you understand, Armin?” He said in a strained tone, shoveling the feed into the bags with shaky, unsteady hands. “...I _have_ to push myself... It's... it's the only thing... the only way I can...” He trailed off, swallowing the hard lump in his throat as remorse filled his voice. 

 

“...It's the only thing I can do... to make it up to him...” 

 

* * * * * *

 

As they day drew on, the evening gave way to bright orange clouds as the sun began to dip under the horizon. Golden light shone through the windows on the upper floors, but none of it made it down here.

“Eren?” Petra whispered timidly as she peeked around the dark bricks of the cellar. “Are the spiders gone?” Her voice echoed off the brick chamber walls to the ears of the young brunette who sat on his knees attempting to scrub years of grime off the musty dungeon floors for what felt like the hundredth time today.

His wide, deep green eyes looked up to see a young woman with a stack of blankets in her hands and full bags hanging off her arms, stepping cautiously and looking around on alert.

“I think we got most of them...” Eren answered her before pushing himself up to his feet.

“Oh, that's good.” Petra breathed a sigh of relief as she finally laid eyes on him over the stack on her hands and gave him an appreciative smile. “I brought you some things.” She said, wobbling a bit as she struggled to carry it all.

“Oh!” Eren reached out and grabbed the load, taking it off her hands before she dropped it all over the place. “Thank you, uh, ma'am.”

She brushed herself off as she took a moment to catch her breath, “You don't have to be so formal. Petra is fine.”

“Yes, ma'am. I-I mean...”

Petra let out a giggle, smiling at him. “So... are you settling in okay?”

Eren looked around his dungeon home, his expression clearly not that taken with it, but not wanting to express it. “...Yeah... I guess so...”

“Hmm...” She hummed, understanding his distaste for the damp, dark place. “Well, hopefully these will make it a bit more comfortable down here.”

Eren smiled weakly back at her as he held the offerings in his hands, “Thank you...” He said quietly. “I appreciate it...”

Sensing his dismay, Petra tilted her head to the side and smiled at him gently, “I'm sorry you have to sleep down here...” She looked down at the ground, feeling genuinely bad for Eren. “It's for safety purposes... You understand, right?”

“Yes, of course.” Eren said with a nod, then turned to place the items on the bed. “It's... it's not that, though... I don't really mind sleeping in the basement...”

“Oh...” The strawberry blonde gave him a look of empathy, wringing her hands together for a moment before saying to him, “...You know... Eren...” She started. “I know... you're probably scared...”

He turned and looked back at her, his face a bit surprised, but then realized it was probably pretty obvious. He didn't like it when people could sense fear on him.

“I-it's okay to be scared. I would be too, if I were in your shoes...” She said coyly. “But try not to worry. You're in good hands here. Captain Levi wont let anything happen to you, as long as he can help it.”

Eren swallowed his pride, and the lump in his throat, and gave her a nod in appreciation for the reassurance. “Thank you. I'm... I'm glad I'm with the Survey Corps.” He said with a half-smile. “You know... it was always my intention to join the Survey Corps. I have to admit... this is not quite how I pictured it happening, though...”

Petra let out a soft laugh. “Well, I'm glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor.”

The brunette chuckled a bit as well. “In all honesty, though...” He said, suddenly becoming serious again. “You wanna know he real reason I'm scared?”

She nodded. “What is it?”

Eren looked down at the ground, falling silent for a moment as a deep frown developed on his face. “I... I can't...”

Petra blinked, suddenly becoming very concerned as she leaned in a bit to hear him clearer. “...What is it, Eren?”

“I can't...” He said again, then pointed a finger down to where he was looking at on the floor. “Get this stain out...”

The young woman paused a moment before bursting into laughter.

“I'm serious!” Eren said, blushing a bit and looking genuinely flustered. “Levi specifically wanted this gone, but I can't--!”

“Eren.” Petra said between giggles, then winked as she started past him.

The brunette blinked curiously as he watched her walk over to the items on his bed and pull out a small floor rug, then place it over the area with the stain by the bedside. “There... out of sight, out of mind.” As she stood up and looked back at Eren, she placed a finger over her mouth. “Just don't tell anybody.”

“...What if he checks?” Eren said with uncertainty.

“He'll forget.”

“Are you sure?”

“Trust me.”

“Ohh... okay.” Eren said, still a bit uneasy, but he supposed she would know better than him.

“Petra.” They were interrupted by a stern voice calling down the stairs. They both recognized who it belonged to immediately. “Are you down there?”

The young woman almost jumped in response to the voice, quickly turning around and calling back. “Yes! I'm here!”

They heard the sound of footsteps walk swiftly and authoritatively down the stairs, then clap in sharp echos as their owner tread across the hard stone floor, soon appearing in their view from around the corner.

“I brought Eren down some extra blankets.” She said, folding her hands in front of her. “It figured it probably gets pretty cold down here at night... I hope that's alright.”

Levi looked around a moment, wrinkling his nose a bit.

Petra patiently waited for him to answer.

“Sorry... I'm not ignoring you...” He said, narrowing his eyes and frowning. “It's still disgusting down here.”

“U-uhh... I'm sorry!” Eren said nervously. “I did my best...”

The Captain sighed tiredly. “It doesn't matter... You're the one who's gotta sleep in it.” Then pulled out a key ring, which jingled lightly in his hand. “It's time to lock you in for the night.”

Eren blinked, a bit surprised. “I-is that really necessary...?”

“It's protocol.” Levi said, closing the cell door and locking it with one of the keys, “And even if it wasn't, I still don't trust you...” Then grabbed a bar and rattled the gate roughly to make sure it was locked tight. “...Nothing personal.”

“Yes...” Eren said, looking down at the floor in quiet acceptance of his situation, and shame for the hard truth of it. The truth that he was a monster. “I understand.”

“I'll have breakfast brought down to you in the morning...” The Captain started to turn away, then added, “...Try to get some sleep.” Before starting for the stairs.

Petra turned back towards the young man, “Goodnight, Eren.” She said with a kind smile.

“Goodnight.” He said, smiling back. “Thanks again.”

She nodded and turned to follow Levi, who was waiting for her patiently on the stairs. As she approached, he headed up the rest of the way with her close behind. 

 

* * * * * *

 

After Eren and Armin finished their chores in the stable, Eren did as he promised and rested upstairs until dinner was ready. Mikasa kept him company, while Armin did whatever he could do to help in the kitchen.

He hadn't seen Levi since they returned from the experiments earlier. The Captain had disappeared into his room and hadn't come out. Even when Eren knocked on his door to tell him it was dinner time.

It was rather disappointing for Armin, who hadn’t slept much that night - his mind racing with thoughts and questions he was hoping to get answers for. But it seemed the Captain had chosen to make himself scarce tonight.

The group finished their meal, cleaned up, and got ready for bed. Before going to sleep, they gathered in the girls' room to hang out and chat for a while. Armin sat next to Eren on Mikasa's bed, half-reading a book in his lap and half-paying attention to the conversation.

His ears perked up when he detected the sound of a door shutting downstairs.

“I'll be back.” He told Eren.

“Okay.”

The blonde made his way down the stairs and looked around, pausing a moment when he heard a noise in the kitchen. He lightly stepped towards the sound and saw the Captain through the doorway. The squad leader was looking down at a stack of papers he held in his left hand, while his right stirred what was left of the soup with a ladle.

“Good evening, Captain.” Armin said politely, slowly clasping his hands together in front of him as he spoke.

Levi glanced up at the young man, “Evening.” He said, throwing the stack of papers on the counter, then turning to the pot of soup and carefully, but swiftly, scooping some into a bowl.

Armin thought the Captain reminded him of a cat, the way he moved. Levi's motions were so graceful, even when he was doing the most mundane things. His movements - so precise, so controlled. Perhaps, _too_ controlled.

The veteran took the bowl with both hands before taking a seat on a stool at the opposite counter, but he only used the counter to rest his elbow as he leaned onto it. He looked over at Armin as he took a spoonful. “...What's up?”

“Umm...” Armin said shyly, his nerves starting to act up, but he managed to keep his cool. “...Chess?”

Levi took a moment before answering him as he ate his soup, taking spoonfuls even more delicately than he'd poured it. His eyes had drifted back down to the paperwork in front of him, which he then gestured to. “I got a report to finish...”

“Oh, okay.” Armin nodded. Then, at a loss for anything else to say, “Well... um... goodnight, then.”

He turned to leave the room, but Levi beckoned him, “Hey.”

“Hmm?” The blonde said, turning back to his Captain.

“I want to ask you something.”

“Yes, Sir?”

“If Eren can't harden... if we can't plug the hole in wall Maria that way... then what is our other option?” He asked, his voice becoming tired and dreary. “What's our plan B?”

Armin blinked at him, then looked away, pressing his lips together. “Well, I... I don't know... I suppose that's up to the Commander.”

“As _you_ see it.” Levi corrected him. “I know what Erwin would do... I want to know what _you_ think.”

“...Me?”

“No, the table. Yes, you, dummy.”

_Dummy?_ Armin couldn't help but let out a slight nervous laugh at the Captain's oddly tame choice of words, but then looked down at the ground. “Uhh... Well... I...” He sputtered a moment, feeling a bit of pressure from the Captain's question. “Unfortunately... I don't think we _have_ a second option...” He said lowly. “If Eren can't harden, the only thing we can do is what's already been discussed... I don't think there is any other way.”

“I see...” Levi leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes a moment, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

“I'm sorry...” Armin looked down at the floor. “I wish I had a better answer for you...”

“It's not your fault.” Levi looked back at the young blonde with his tired eyes. “If you say there's no other way, I'll take your word for it...”

“Well... I mean... I don't know for sure...” He said, eyes shifting up to the Captain. “But if there is another way, I don't see it at present...”

The Captain nodded and looked away.

Armin looked back down, pressing his lips together. “...The only thing I can think of is if we could learn something from that crystalline structure Annie is encased in... but that doesn't seem likely.”

Levi tilted his bowl, creating a light clanking sound as he carefully scooped what was left to one side.

“Captain...” Armin said softly, lowering his head a bit, but looking up at the Captain through compassionate eyes. “I... I'm sorry about your fiancee...”

The Captain paused and swallowed, now staring down at his stack of papers. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and uneasy. “...How do you know about that?”

“...What do you mean?” The blonde asked confusedly. “Everyone knows about that...”

“…Oh…” He muttered, then shifted uncomfortably and went back to his soup.

“Eren... feels responsible...” Armin said, his eyes falling to the ground. “I think he may be pushing himself too hard...”

Levi rested his spoon in the bowl before turning to the blonde, looking up at him from under his brow and through pin-straight locks of hair. “Okay...”

“...I... I'm just worried about him, that's all...”

The Captain sighed. “Worrying will do you no good...” Armin watched him as he stood up from the stool, wobbling slightly with his step. “...Eren will be fine...” As his eyes glanced over the blonde, Armin noticed that they were more narrow than usual, a bit glossy and slightly red.

“I... I'm sorry...” He jumped a bit when Levi dropped his bowl roughly into the sink. “...You seem... frustrated...”

“I _am_ frustrated.” He said, pouring water into the sink from a kettle that was on the stove.

“Anything I can do to help..?”

“Tch...” Levi scoffed as he aggressively started scrubbing the dishes he'd just used. “Yeah. Shutting up and fucking off would be _really_ helpful.”

Armin blinked and furrowed his brow. “...I... I was just... offering to help... You don't have to be so rude...”

The Captain didn't respond to him as he put aside the rinsed dishes and preceded to clean the sink.

“...I'm sorry.” The young man said lowly, tilting his head down.” I shouldn't have bothered you... I'll leave you alone.” Then turned and headed back upstairs.

Armin re-entered the bedroom with heavy steps and a frown on his face.

Eren turned to the blonde as he took a seat next to him on the bed, “Hey... I thought you were playing chess with the Captain?”

“Yeah, well...” Armin said, curling into a ball as he pulled the blanket over himself and leaned against the wall, then grabbed his book from the nightstand. “I guess he's not in the mood...”

“...Huh?” Eren said, giving him a questioning look as he watched him open his book and begin to read.

 

After Levi rinsed his hands, he stood in the kitchen alone, looming over an empty sink. The sound of wind whistled past outside, the chill from it's cold breeze nipping at his fingertips. He leaned against the counter, dropping his head and sighing, before pulling a steel flask from his pocket and taking a drink.

 

* * * * * *

 

_We are kneeling at the rivers edge and tempting_  
_All the steps to follow closer right behind_  
_Is it only when you feel a part is empty  
_ _That it’s gnawing at the corners of your mind_

_I will ask you for mercy_  
_I will come to you blind_  
_What you’ll see is the worst me  
_ _Not the last of my kind_

_In the muddy water we’re falling_  
_In the muddy water we’re crawling_  
_Holds me down_  
_Hold me now_  
_Sold me out  
_ _In the muddy waters we’re falling_

_It is not clear why we choose the fire pathway_  
_Where we end is not the way that we had planned_  
_All the spirits gather 'round like its our last day  
_ _To get across you know we’ll have to raise the sand_

_Don’t fail me now_  
_Put your arms around me and pull me out_  
_I know I’m found  
_ _With your arms around me, oh save me now_

_In the muddy water we’re falling_  
_In the muddy water we’re crawling_  
_Holds me down_  
_Hold me now  
_ _Sold me out  
_ _In the muddy waters we’re falling_

[LP – Muddy Waters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss8t7a8n0U4)


	7. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crackling of a fire. A warm bath. Cigarettes. Small comforts that do little to erase the horrors ones own mind can conjure during the dark loneliness of night. It's an uneasiness that creeps up on you in the silence when no one else is around. The feeling that makes you want to turn your head as you'd swear someone was watching. Only one thing breaks it's unshakable coil. A familiar face. A smile in the dark. Undeserved words of kindness. How... can you look at me with eyes like that...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I am still here! I know, again, it's been a while since I posted a chapter. But believe it or not, I am still writing this! It's just taking a really long time, because I don't have a lot of spare time to dedicate to writing anymore. I can't say when the next one will be out. Sorry guys, I wish I could be faster and more consistent, BUT!!! ...AoT has taken over my life in other ways. xD I have a Youtube channel now where I talk about the manga - reviews, theories, discussions etc. Come [check it out](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC62bysDVo48It5_Ar68OaFg) if you haven't already!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

****

# **The Whispers**

****

## **_of ___**

****

# ****S H A D O W S****

 

 

****

### **Chapter 6**

### Nightmares

 

****

****  


Swords in hand, he stepped carefully across the clear field. The sun beat down upon him, shining through the scattered trees to the bright green grass under his feet. He couldn't quite remember why he was there or what he was doing, but he felt like there was something important he needed to do. As he turned his head, the fog was now thick with a brisk drizzle of rain shimmering down from the sky; the grass - damp and muddy - though he could have sworn it was dry just a moment before.

It didn't matter now, because there was something he knew he needed to do.

He crept forward and noticed the blurred figure through the fog - the one he'd been looking for - whom was quickly becoming clearer with each passing step.

_Have to do it..._ The lone soldier thought to himself. _For them...._

He lunged forward, ready to strike - his blade poised to slice clean through the warm body in front of him. The soldier outstretched his arm behind him, then swung. His eyes pierced through the foggy atmosphere with fiery intent. The blade came forward. Blood gushed from flesh as a shoulder was split from it's torso deep into the sternum, until it was suddenly stopped.

“Tch!” He scowled as he tried to pull away, but his sword was now being held in place by strong fingers.

“Levi...” A familiar voice rang out.

The soldier stopped, as he looked up at the figure before him and found that he recognized the face all too well. The neatly parted blonde hair. The intense green eyes. The strong, determined expression. A sudden feeling of sadness and shame came over him as he realized who he'd just murdered... 

 

__

“.....”

 

_“...Erwin...?”_

 

“ _...?!”_

 

“Huh!” His eyes shot open, having little control over his body as he let out a breath and gasped for another one - his lungs tight and choking with their need for oxygen. Sitting up - his chest still heaving as he tried to look around through the pitch black - he couldn't yet tell if he was really awake or still dreaming. He reached over and felt around where the nightstand should be for a small box, grasping when he found it and fumbling as he tried to open it. When his shaky hands had finally managed to get it open, he took a match out and gave it a good strike.

Finally... light.

“Petra...” Levi said, reaching over to his side without looking, but found no one was there. “Huh...?” He muttered confusedly as he looked over his shoulder. _Wait..._ He thought. _This isn't our..._

The Captain blinked several times and shuddered as his mind finally began to come out of its subconscious. He tilted his head down and rubbed his eyes, lightly pinching the bridge of his nose. _Goddamnit..._ The soldier cursed to himself.

Levi took a shaky breath, trying to slow his racing heart beat and content to let the nightmare drift from his memory and be forgotten. But he knew he would never be able to truly escape... They haunted him. The ghosts of a memory that could never truly be forgotten.

Feeling the heat of the match near his fingertips, he opened his eyes and reached it over to the lantern nearby. Satisfied with the light, he put it out; then brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, hugging them tightly as he realized he was sitting in sheets soaked with a cold sweat.

It was nights like this that made him glad he slept alone.

He stayed in that position for a while as he took slow, deep breaths and waited for his body to stop shaking. That was all he could really do.

Gingerly, he peeled the sheets off of him, scowling in disgust. His shirt and boxers were even worse, cold and damp and sticking to his body. He swing his legs over the side of the bed, pausing a moment to rest his elbows on his knees and roughly rub his face with both hands. Outside his window, it was still dark... of course.

Levi couldn't remember the last time he woke up _after_ sunrise.

He stood up slowly, putting a hand on his back as he stretched, and reached for his smokes in the nearby cabinet of the tiny room. His hand landed on them with a tired carelessness and a hurried desperation as he fumbled to extract one.

Lighting it with another match, he took a drag and began to calm; allowing the smoke that escape his lungs to drift through the air and wash a chemical induced peace over him. Though, it only helped so much, and it wasn't nearly enough.

Stumbling slightly in the dark, he stepped over to the window where he could see the moon in the sky and a few stars through the thin, scattered clouds. He held his smoke in his mouth as he reached down for the window, having to use both hands and slam it a couple times to get the old, rusty thing to slide open.

“Tchh...” He scoffed tiredly as he brushed his hands together, now sullied with dirt and damp grime. He wiped the gunk off on his shirt, not really caring at the moment because his clothes were already dirty and he felt gross already anyway.

He relaxed as much as he could get himself to and leaned against the wall next to the open window, blowing the smoke from his cigarette into the wind outside. A gust suddenly whipped through. Not too hard, but enough to make Levi shudder as it brushed past his still damp skin and clothing.

From there, the first two things on his mind were tea and a bath. The first thing he had to do was fetch water from the pump outside before lighting a fire in the kitchen stove to heat it. After all, just because everyone else smelled like they lived in a barn didn't mean _he_ had to.

Once the water was hot and the tea was ready, he gathered a clean set of clothes and a towel and headed for the lav, which was less like a lav and more like a closet with a sink and a narrow bathtub behind two wooden stall doors. Luckily though, it was located at the end of the hallway and the toilet was outside, so he didn't have to worry about anyone peeking in accidentally.

The Captain meticulously made sure everything was in it's place before he got started. The lantern on the shelf, his clothes neatly stacked on the stool, the sponge, soap and pot of water in their designated places in and around the tub.

Levi began to undress, carefully peeling the damp cloth away from his skin. As he lifted the white shirt over his head, a small necklace fell from its entanglement onto his chest – a simple stainless steel chain with a small ornament of the same material - and felt it's cold bite as the air cooled the metal.

His dirty clothes he wasn't so careful about, as he tossed his shirt, and then his boxers, into a nearby bucket to be washed. Now nude, he stepped carefully into the bath and kneeled down into it, wrapping his arms around his knees again for a moment as he shuddered from the cold chill in the air.

As he tried to adjust to the temperature, he stared forward at the metal tub of hot water in front of him - its steam teasingly wafting up in gentle wisps as the heat rose into the frigged atmosphere. He finally reached out and grabbed the sponge, quickly dipping it in and soaking it with a generous amount of water before putting it to his neck. He felt his body begin to relax as the warm liquid spilled over his shoulder and down the skin of his chest and back. Slowly moving the hot sponge to the back of his neck, he closed his eyes and let out a sigh as the warmth caused a tingling sensation all over his body.

As he gently glided the sponge over different parts of his body, his mind began to wonder back to the nightmare he had. The sick feeling in his gut lingered even though the dream was long over and far from real.

...But it _felt_ so real. They always did... especially the bad ones. 

 

* * * * * *

 

Petra stood in front of a mirror in a white bath robe as she brushed her long, strawberry blonde hair - her eyes in a deep stare as she slowly ran the brush through the smooth locks - her quiet thoughts accompanied only by the sound of gently rippling water. The room was nice and warm, just the way Levi liked it, thanks to the large fireplace in the masters chambers of the Castle.

“Oi...” A low, quiet voice called to her. “Did you fall asleep?”

She blinked, taking a moment to break from her thoughts. “No. I'm awake.”

“These tubs are amazing.”

“Hmm...” She smirked a little, before standing up and walking towards the voice. She stopped in the bathroom doorway, leaning against the door frame and tilting her head as she laid her eyes on the Captain. He laid relaxed in the bathtub, his nude body submerged in steaming hot water. “Found something you like in thus 'musty old dump'?” She said, recanting his words from earlier that day.

“There are _some_ things to appreciate.” Levi said as he reached over and picked up a bottle of Chardonnay. “Look what I found in the wine cellar.” He turned the bottle around, squinting his eyes at the label. “Fiert'e de Sina, eight years old.”

The strawberry blonde smiled gently, but shook her head. “You go ahead, I'm not really in the mood.”

“Really?” Levi asked curiously.

She just shrugged.

“Suit yourself.” He said as he sat up and positioned himself to open it. “Watch out.”

Petra prepared herself, putting her hand on the doorknob, ready to shield herself with the door.

The Captain grit his teeth a moment as he used his thumb to pop off the cork, sending it flying across the room.

“Ah!” Petra yelped as it bounced off the wall, still startling her though it was nowhere near her. She laughed in amusement as she watched Levi shake off one of his hands, the drink now fizzing and spilling over into the tub.

“Shit.” He cursed as he hung the bottle over the edge of the tub, which continued to drip onto the floor. “Goddamnit.”

“Want me to get a towel?” She asked with as smirk.

“Fuck it...” He huffed lightly, “Come here.” Then outstretched an arm to her, gesturing with his hand. “Take a champagne bath with me.”

She smiled, then turned as she gingerly took off her robe, hanging it on the hook behind the door. He watched as she slowly turned towards him and stepped towards the bath, admiring her now nude body as she said, “That sounds...”

“...Romantic?” He quipped.

“I was gonna say sticky...”

“Heh...” Levi chuckled a bit.

“You don't wanna change the water?”

“It's just wine...” He said with a shrug. “I'm not _that_ much of a neat freak...”

Petra giggled before carefully stepping into the water, straddling Levi as she sat down. “Yes, you are.” She said with a smirk. “I bet you're gonna take a shower after this.”

“Well... yeah. Of course. That's what you're _supposed_ to do.” He said, raising an eyebrow. “How do _you_ take baths?”

“Ha.” She laughed a bit, giving him a mischievous look as she leaned in closer to him, then replied, “In mud.” She quipped, then gave him a peck on the lips. “Sloppy, filthy mud.”

“Ugh...” Levi played along as he rolled his eyes, only half-serious and having to pause a moment as she kissed him again. “...Gross.”

“It's very good for the skin.” She continued, kissing him again. “It exfoliates.”

“Stop.” He said gruffly, but tiredly. “No.”

“Yup.”

Their conversation faded into oblivion as the two exchanged gentle kisses, all other cares melting away in the warmth of each others embrace.

Levi slowly ran his hands up the curves of her body, then gently cupped one over her breast.

“Mmm...” She squirmed uncomfortably.

Levi pulled back a moment to look at her. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing...” She answered. “I'm just a little cold.”

“Ohh...” He acknowledged. “Turn around.” He said and motioned to her.

She did as he suggested, turning and spooning up against him. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, trying to cover her where the water was not, and hugging her tightly. “Better?”

“Yeah.” She said, smiling happily and wrapping her arms over his. 

 

* * * * * *

 

After washing, Levi dried himself off, then threw on a plain white robe before heading back into the main room. It was still early. No one else would be up for a while yet. He started another fire.

The flame blazed with a warm light and the sweet smell of burning tinder drifted throughout the house. It's crackling ambient noise brought the soldier a sense of peace as it reminded him of simpler times. He stood there quietly for a while, sipping his tea with a robe wrapped around him, his hair still damp and his skin still soft with moisture.

Suddenly, he heard a door click and footsteps coming down the stairs. The familiar figure of a boy with long, blonde hair - half asleep and wrapped in his cloak - slowly wondered into the room. The Captains eyes shifted narrowly, immediately annoyed by the presence of another person, and a bit embarrassed for them to find him standing alone in front of the fire with nothing but a robe over him and sleepy bags under his eyes.

As the young man made it to the bottom of the stairs, he blinked, squinting in the light as he tugged at the cloak around him. “Mmm... Captain?”

“...Hey.” Levi said in a flat, tired tone.

“Ahh... ” Armin mumbled a bit as his face contorted while he tried to adjust his eyes to the light of the fire. “...You really _don't_ sleep much, do you?”

Levi just glared at him, then looked away.

Armin blinked, suddenly realizing in his tired state he'd let his mouth run without thinking again. He pressed his lips together, secretly cringing at himself, then started towards the door, pulling his hood up.

“...Where are you going?” Levi asked, turning after him.

“I, uh...” Armin shuddered, glancing back - now doubly embarrassed. “I have to pee...”

“Oh...” Levi said and turned back to the fire after Armin hurriedly left out the front door, of which through the early morning sky shined in a dark blue light as dawn slowly approached. The cool air wafted inside, causing a frosty breeze to wisp past Levi's exposed feet. Several quiet and uncomfortable minutes went by as he stood there in front of the fire, waiting for the young man to pass him and go back to bed so he could continue being alone.

And he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel kind of shitty after snapping at him earlier that night.

Levi didn't bother to look over when he heard the door unlatch and creek open, followed by the shuffling of footsteps.

“Ah, _shit!_ ” He heard Armin spat under his breath following a hard THUD as the blonde clumsily made his way through the darkness.

The Captain curiously turned his head towards Armin and gave him a questioning look as the blonde scuffled towards him, shivering and holding his cloak tightly around himself as he tried to warm up. Levi eyed him for a moment, looking him up and down as a thought crossed his mind. “...Did you wash your hands while you were out there?”

“Huh? Uh... no...?” His subordinate replied as he stopped and looked up at him, his eyes shifting back and forth a moment.

Armin saw the muscles in Levi's face tense in a way that was both subtle and strikingly unsettling. “..... _Why?_ ” He said in a low and unpleasant tone.

“Well, there's... not really anything to wash your hands with...”

“There's a water pump...” Levi said. “You could at least rinse them...”

“Oh...” The young man said, a bit flustered. “Bu-but... it's so cold...”

“Tch...” His superior scowled in disgust and turned away.

Armin shivered, then came to kneel down next to the fire.

The Captain's eyes shifted. “...What are you doing?”

“I'm freezing...” The blonde said with a slight scowl. “Do you have a problem with that?”

Levi blinked as he stared down at him, then just looked away.

Armin glanced next to him, up at the Captain a moment, then looked back down at the fire.

The veteran shifted uncomfortably, his eyes wondering a moment before speaking. “You can...” He said quietly, with a slow rasp in his voice, “...Pull up a chair... if you want...”

The blonde looked up at him, but Levi barely made eye contact before turning away.

Armin blinked, then stood up and carefully pulled a chair over to the fireplace as to not make too much noise.

As he sat next to the Captain, it was uncomfortably silent. The young blonde didn't look over at Levi. He focused on the fire, just trying to get warm. He was unnerved by the Captain's presence and wanted to get away from him as soon as he could stop shaking from the cold. Just as he was getting ready to pull himself out of his seat, Levi spoke to him.

“Sorry...” He said quietly, the reflection of the fire shining off his vacant eyes. “...I know I can be kind of a dick.”

The blonde blinked and looked back at him, letting his weight back down onto the chair. He stared at him a moment before he lowered his head and his eyes shifted back to the flames. “Ahh... it's... alright...” He said. “I... I think I get it...”

Levi glanced at him a moment. “...You do?”

“Well... yeah...” Armin said thoughtfully lowering his eyes. “...You must miss her.”

Levi turned away, back to the fire, his expression once again falling blank. The silence drifted through the air, so thick it could seep through the skin. Nothing but the crackling of the fire offered any relief from it.

After a moment, The Captain lowered his head and turned away. “...Stop.”

“...Stop?” Armin said, looking over at him confused.

“Yes... Whatever it is you're doing. Just stop...” He said, his voice barely a whisper. 

“I... I'm not...”

“I know what you're doing...” He suddenly turned his head and glared at the boy. “You can read people, can't you?” He continued lowly. “So, you think you can see right through me...right?” 

The blonde just blinked and swallowed hard. "I don't understand..."

"Cut the crap." Levi said tiredly. “Smart guy... I don't need to explain it to you.” He scowled as he spoke. “Just stay out of my head, Armin. I don't want you there... And trust me, you don't wanna be there either.”

"Captain... I-I was just...” Armin said quietly, shrugging a little at Levi's sternness. “...I was just trying to say... I understand that you're hurting right now... I..." Armin spoke softly, feeling himself shrink a little. “I'm sorry...”

Levi looked away and closed his eyes, this time his expression more pained then frustrated.

The blonde turned back to the fire, wringing his hands nervously.

“Tch..." Levi said under his breath in the midst of the quiet. "So annoying...” Then lifted his head slightly and opened his eyes. His expression softened and now he just looked exhausted. 

Several long moments went by before anyone uttered another word. 

Finally, Armin's eyes timidly shifted. His normally sky blue orbs were a greenish-gold in the fire's ambient light. “...It... never gets easier... does it?” He asked softly. “...Losing people...”

Levi blinked, lowering his eyes further. His lips parted as he let out a shallow, tense exhale and his expression slightly softened. “No...” He answered. “It doesn't...”

The blonde continued to gaze at Levi. The Captain could feel his eyes searing into him, but he no longer cared.

“Captain...” He looked over at him with a gentle smile. “I hope this doesn't... sound strange, but...” The blonde said hesitantly. “If... you ever need someone to talk to... you know, I... might not always know what to say... but... um... I'm a good listener...”

Levi blinked and looked over at the blonde through the corner of his eye, then his gaze drifted back down. “...You're... too kind...” He said quietly. But he wasn't saying it so much in appreciation. He meant it literally. Perhaps he didn't feel he deserved that kind of compassion. And frankly, he thought the young man's kindness was the definition of 'to a fault'.

But perhaps it was just his nature to comfort others, the way his friends had always comforted him. To pay forward that kindness in anyway he could. To be helpful as other had helped him. Just to be...

...Useful.

“Thank you...” The Captain said lowly, this time keeping his eyes on the fire. “...Thank you for... being concerned about me...” He exhaled tiredly. “But I'll be fine.”

Armin continued to look at him, a gentle smile gracing his face as he studied his superior with soft eyes.

Feeling the stare, Levi turned to meet his gaze and found himself frozen in Armin's deep golden-green orbs. He could remember... he'd seen eyes like that before...

As Armin's lips parted, the movement finally took Levi out of his trance. But before the blonde could speak, Levi spoke up first – turning away suddenly and furrowing his brow in discomfort.

“Please...” He said as he closed his eyes, his voice getting quieter as he spoke. “...Just let me be alone...”

The blonde blinked and closed his lips, then looked away and nodded understandingly. “Okay.” He stood up and looked down at Levi a moment, “...If you change your mind...”

“Sure...” The Captain said, not returning the gaze. “Thanks.”

Armin pressed his lips together and dipped his head as he turned to bring his chair back over to where he got it, then started towards the stairs.

“Hey.” Levi called to him, causing him to stop and turn back.

“Huh?”

“...You still haven't washed your hands....”

* * * * * *

 

_Hello darkness, my old friend,_  
_I've come to talk with you again,_  
_Because a vision softly creeping,_  
_Left its seeds while I was sleeping,_  
_And the vision that was planted in my brain_  
_Still remains  
_ _Within the sound of silence_

_In restless dreams I walked alone_  
_Narrow streets of cobblestone,_  
_'Neath the halo of a street lamp,_  
_I turned my collar to the cold and damp_  
_When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light_  
_That split the night  
_ _And touched the sound of silence_

_And in the naked light I saw_  
_Ten thousand people, maybe more_  
_People talking without speaking,_  
_People hearing without listening,_  
_People writing songs that voices never share_  
_And no one dared  
_ _Disturb the sound of silence_

_"Fools" said I,_  
_"You do not know, silence like a cancer grows_  
_Hear my words that I might teach you,_  
_Take my arms that I might reach you"_  
_But my words like silent raindrops fell,_  
_And echoed  
_ _In the wells of silence_

_And the people bowed and prayed_  
_To the neon god they made_  
_And the sign flashed out its warning,_  
_In the words that it was forming_  
_And the signs said,_  
_"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls_  
_And tenement halls  
_ _And whisper'd in the sounds of silence_

[Disturbed (Simon & Garfunkel Cover) - The Sound of Silence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4)  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :) Please take a moment to leave a review and tell me what you thought! Also, I do my own proofing, so if you find any mistakes please feel free to let me know so I can fix them! Feedback and constructive criticism is always appreciated! <3


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